Lucy:… so my friend's brothers, who has a pet rock, whose previous owner's little sister's, grandmothers, mother, grandson's, twice removed niece's pet's dog's lesbian owner's girlfriend's sisters, pet cat's mother whose owner was a mad cat lady.
(After one simple comment, from Jack about Mad Cat ladies, Lucy had to dive into a story about one)
Jack: Ermm… that was intriguing Lucy.
(He, Greg, George, Lucy, Thomas, Asif, Imogen and Jaya are standing on a street corner)
Thomas: So, anyone gone to see Mr. Masterbate's grave?
Lucy: I heard all those people who were trapped in the closet did, spat on it apparently.
George: Well, we all knew he was a paedophile.
Imogen: Just by his name you could tell.
Jack: It's just odd, after years of speculation and rumours, turns out everything was true and he did try to rape and kill us. It weakens my faith in humanity, but I guess we have one less danger to worry about.
Lucy: You know what I miss guys?
Imogen: Your Mum's great grandmother times thirty?
Lucy: No, Miss Lofty, I haven’t heard her waffling on about sheep in a full week. I guess I miss her.
Imogen: Hearing her babble, it's was annoying, but it was the norm.
Greg: Wonder who our new tutor will be?
Imogen: Someone good I hope.
Jack: Yeah, you hope, and you pray. That's all you can do, never works of course.
Thomas: It's strange to think, that less than two months ago there was over twenty staff at White View. Now there are only two, those two being Helpless TA and Mrs Conrad.
George: I'm surprised Helpless TA has survived this long to be honest, especially with Chelsea, chained to her.
Lucy: Well people have died, and Miss Lofty was one of them. But Jaya you avenged Miss Lofty.
Jaya: I did what had to be done Lucy. I enjoy solitude and the fact he didn't notice me was pure and utter luck. Things could have been so much worse.
George: At least there wasn't a furnace, in the factory or Greg would have been long gone.
Greg (weak laugh): Yeah… I guess so.
Lucy: Still guys, how we all doing?
Greg (looks around and sighs): Our numbers are depleting too fast, this whole predictable pattern of events is startin' to bore me.
Lucy: Bore you!?
Greg: I know it sounds bad, but that's how I feel.
Lucy: It's Christmas soon, you'll lighten up!
Jack: Literally, if Florence overdoes her light-show this year.
George: Well at least it can't get any worse.
Imogen: You had to go and say didn't you?
(Just then Suzanne appears)
Suzanne: ...and we are here to report on the mass breakout, from Mortdale prison…
Lucy: Who wants a bet that Frank Tibet escaped?
Greg: I'll bet my house and cap.
Imogen: Whoa hang on (too Suzanne) why, of all places, are you filming on this gritty street corner?
Suzanne: Well it obvious, isn't it? Everything seems to centre around that lad. (points to Greg)
Greg: Kill me, and stuff me like a hen. More unwanted drama
(Florence appears out of nowhere)
Florence: Unwanted drama? I'd be glad to take it!
Jack: Where have you been?
Florence: At my house setting up the Christmas lights, where else?
Jack: (pleading tone) Florence, please give that up, you remember last year don't you?
Florence: Oh yes, I remember that.
Jack: I'm sure all the people, who had their eye sockets burned out, by staring at it remember last Christmas as well. So for this year we should just for...
Florence (snarling): And my lights, still didn't beat, my fucking neighbour Miss Danica… (in high pitched voice) oh Miss Danica you've won again! You've won the best Christmas lights award for the fifth year going! Well this year... oh this year, things are going to change!
(She is clutching her hands so tight there bleeding)
Jack: (alarmed) Florence just... relax okay?
Asif: Asif that will happen.
Florence (crazy laugh): Yeah, okay I'll relax, once I beat that fucking bitch! yeah… ha… ha I'm not crazy don't look at me like that Jack, my handsome prince, I'm just ambitious.
George: Yeah Jack, she is just very ambitious, a real catch you got there.
Lucy: Reminds me of the time…
Imogen: I would recommend we all buy each other Sunglasses, as Christmas presents this year. Or else we'll go blind come Christmas.
Greg: Okay guys, let's quit babblin' and let's move somewhere else before…
Chantelle: OI! WHY THE FUCK, ARE YOU IN MY STREET CORNER!?
Greg: … that happens.
(Chantelle and Da Gang have appeared)
Helpless TA: (spotting Suzanne reporting) Can we please get out of here, does my will to live have to lowered even more than it already has? By having it televised on the live news?
Aaron: Yeah, this is Mortdale, depression is this town's weed.
John: That's fake and Gay.
Thomas: Is happy Fake and Gay?
John: Yeah it's Fake and Gay.
Lucy: Is bored Fake and Gay?
John: Yeah it's Fake and Gay.
Mrs Conrad: Is, I'm going to tear your pathetic head, off your shoulders, if you repeat that pathetic statement one more time, fake and Gay?
John: That's (sees it was Mrs Conrad who said that) good.
Mrs Conrad: It had better be.
Imogen: Jesus Mum! Why are you here?!
Mrs Conrad: I'm next to your group because Frank Tibet has escaped from Motdale prison and no doubt he'll come here first. So I want to be here to kill him, when that happens.
Jaya: I would see it, that you're here to protect your daughter.
Mrs Conrad: Jaya, you know how this will end, if you keep insisting on that?
Jaya: My head on the floor?
Mrs Conrad: Obviously.
Chelsea: CAN'T BREATHE!
Helpless TA: Breathe in Chelsea, breathe out…
Chelsea: STILL STRUGGLING TO BREATHE!
Lucy: So am I for some strange reason, it's crowded here.
George: Richard, Andrew! What are you doing here!?
Andrew: All the shit is going down here, I have to be around, to moan or boast about it later.
George: Okay understandable, but why are you here Richard?
Richard: PROBLEMS WITH THAT’S!
(Hears a grunt behind him, he turns around)
George: OH MY GOD! MICHAEL WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?
George: My older brother- he- his outside! what the hell?
Greg: Why’s that a shock?
Richard: Because's he's is' always' on's the's X-BOXES!
Greg: How do you do Michael?
(Michael Grunts at him)
George: He does that a lot.
Priest: Well, I'm here for the funerals that will follow.
Gordon: IT'S TOO CROWED, I DON'T LIKE IT! I mean yeah blad, high again.
Aaron: I seriously want to know the name of this drug you have Gordon. I want some.
Gordon: Ermm… it doesn't have a name, it’s brand new.
Mrs Conrad: Even though you have been using it for nearly a month now?
Mrs Conrad: Shut up, your pathetic bare faced fibber.
Ryan: Ah, the sweet sound of Mrs Conrad telling off someone who isn't me.
Daz: So Greg what's going on?
Greg: Daniel! Why are you here and how did you get here without me noticing?
Daz: I know how to sneak up on people...
Greg: Yeah, but why are you here?
Taz: Relax Graz, everyone in the town is here, we just had to come along.
Jack: Florence, get down from there!
(Florence is on top of a phone box)
Florence: THOU CRUEL CRESTOR CREW HAVE PUNCTURED THY FLESH! WITH THE DAGGER OF DEATH! THOU ART DIE IN AGONY!!!!
Jack: Florence don't be daf, oh shit…
(He can see there is actually an actual knife in her stomach)
Florence: AND NOW I FALL TO THY DEATH!
Greg: What's takin' so long?
Imogen: It's like she's in slow motion.
Thomas: Dramatic effect, I'm betting, Florence cannot simply fall, she must take her time.
Asif: But she's defying gravity.
Helpless TA: And Chelsea here, defies, the rules of physics, so it can happen.
(And Florence falls)
(Five hours later she dramatically hits the ground)
Jack (frantic): FLORENCE! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE! BEFORE SHE DIES!
Imogen: With her dramatic effect, the rest of us will be long dead and aged before she dies of her wounds.
Mrs Conrad: BLACK CRESTOR'S RIGHT THERE!
(And there they are, Frank Tibet, Leanne, Kyle, Caz's parents, the head of Mortdale Secondary school with a large number of the Crestor Crew)
Imogen: Well...hi guys!
Asif: Asif if this is happening.
Frank: So we meet again, I think the time of elaborate plans are over, as they have all failed. Our new tactic is all-out war!
Mrs Conrad: Yes, I think so too.
Jack: CAN SOMEONE PLEASE CALL AN AMBULANCE!
Everyone: SHUT UP!
(He is silent)
Chelsea: SO, HOW DID YOU GET OUT OF PRISON!
Frank Tibet: Easy peasy, a lousy police officer got to close to our cell. I managed to reach him between the bars, strangle him to death and well grab the keys, and then we all broke out, got weapons and here we are later on in the day.
Helpless TA: (yawning) Baw-ring.
Mrs Conrad: There has been too much talk and not enough deaths.
Greg: Hang on just a tic here, I get barely a week of peace, before we all just, charge into someone civil war type battle, with no weapons at our disposal...
Mrs Conrad: Shut up, we have weapons.
Aaron: No we…
(Mrs Conrad chucks weapons at everyone)
Imogen: You pre packed these?
Mrs Conrad: Well if a battle has to happen, it has to happen, and I came pre prepared as I am experienced in battles. Plus when I knew this nut-job (points at Frank) escaped, I knew we need them.
Suzanne: (To cameraman) Get this all on camera…
(Everyone roars for the fight to begin… Michael grunts and then everyone charges…)