In Mortdale Christmas has arrived, which can only mean one thing chaos will reign.
However Greg begins to go down a dark road. Gaining new friends and new foes, Christmas for Greg's gang this year is going to be far from "Merry".
(Friday 18th December, 1 week and 3 days after the events in Mr Masterbate's closet)
Greg: (Writing in diary) Hi, I'm Greg Samuel Winters, I'm 15 years of age, my birthday is July 7th, I was born in Alabama USA, and lived with my mum, dad and granddad for the first 15 years of my life, and then on 1st November this year, my house burnt down killing all my family…
Daz: GREG! BREAKFAST IS READY!!
Greg: IN A FLAMING MINUTE!
(Continues to write in diary)
So I had to come and move to England with my cousin Daniel (nicknamed Daz) and his girlfriend Shaz, the town of Mortdale seemed to defy my expectations of being a typical snobby town, but instead was infested with creatures known as chavs…
Daz: GREG GET DOWN HERE NOW!
Greg: IN A SEC!
(Continues to write in diary)
...depiste this, I met some decent folk in my school, and together we managed to unveil who burnt down my house. It was Shaz all along, she wanted to take me and my friends to live in a non chavvy paradise but she was insane and evil, and so I rejected and Shaz was killed.
Merely days later the head of our school and the deputy head, both made deals with the chav master of pure evil, well someone called Frank Tibet. Who was head of the chaviest school in Mortdale, Black Crest, my school (White View) was an rival of Black Crest, so the deal was done, the hiding nerds at Black Crest would be allowed to go to a non- chavvy paradise along with me (because apparently I was a symbol of rebellion against non chavs everywhere) but at the cost of losing my friends I couldn't accept Daz, and two police officer friends helped save the day.
A week later (because White View was destroyed) we got relocated at St. Amanda's two new girls joined our now depleting class numbers. Mary Sue was a beautiful girl and we quickly became my girlfriend and Imogen a plain looking girl everyone ignored, anyhow as a class group we unveiled the past to Frank Tibet and tried to find an explanation to the murders and haunted occurrences occurring at the school, after a false lead we went to celebrate at a theme park.
But it turned out the real villain was oppressed and forgotten Helpless TA who harnessed a walkie talkie in an Ouija board to contact a guy called Steve (the same guy who drove me here)he was a friend of Frank’s Tibet’s younger brother and was one of the only people who could deflect chavs like Mrs Conrad (My strict teacher)
Anyhow Steve had disabled the coaster. Helpless TA would survive but the rest of us would be blown to smithereens It also turned out Mary-Sue was a lunatic, who tried to kill the other girls in the year just so she could have me, I stopped Helpless TA and Imogen knocked Mary off the coaster killing her. Helpless TA is currently back in her day job the worst torture for her. And insane Steve is locked up hopefully never to come out of his cell.
So anyhow after all this, a Penti-Present tournament was announced, the 5 schools in Mortdale would offer up 5 pupils to fight in 5 challenges, to win 20 million pounds. The risk of death was high, especially with Frank Tibet (who was behind bars) instructing his selected Black Crestor pupils to kill me, anyhow I got though the challenges and made friends with a boy called Sebastian. However my growing fear of fire lead me to freeze up on the 4th task, Sebastian helped me finish at the cost of his own life, as the Black Crestors killed him, I swore revenge, anyhow in the 5th task I sought that revenge, but Elliot won the tournament by lifting the trophy, however the grounds partially exploded as it was plot all along to kill me by Frank Tibet.
By placing land mines under the school and he was aided by anxious parents of my dead classmates, who felt my presence here was a threat. I survived thanks to my two police officer friends deactivating many mines, but still the explosions killed quite a few friends and since Elliot died, poor Imogen only got 20 pounds of prize money, but all in all I survived.
Anyhow after all this me and friends decided to go check on how the old White View building was doing, we bumped into the chavs on the way in, as they wanted to check if suspected paedophile “Mr Masterbate” (no jokes about the name) kept children in a closet of his, we snuck in and to our surprise Mr Masterbate was in there and showed us around a creepy factory that he built underground.
Many off us were kicked off the tour and a few killed because of our flaws, in the end all it turned out Mr Masterbate wanted to molest the pure children (the ones that were still on the tour only me and Imogen by this point) and the rest of our friends would be killed, but we all completely forgot about one classmate (Jaya, she is awesome) who snuck around and managed to save the day and kill Mr. Masterbate thus sparing us our fates.
And here I am in present day, nearing Christmas wanting some peace…
Daz: Greg you forgot the bit about me and girlfriends…
(Greg jumps) Greg: HOW THE IN HOOTIN' HELL DID YOU GET BEHIND ME SO SILENTLY!
Daz: Greg I'm a chav, I know how to sneak up to people from behind and stab em.
Greg: Yeah, with that in my mind, you stop reading my diary, it's irking me.
Daz: Will you stop mentioning I'm literate, it's irking me.
Taz: (From Downstairs) DAZZY! COME ON DOWN!!!
Daz: (In a completely different voice to the scolding tone, he just used with Greg) Oooh! I cannot wait to nail my Tazzy!
Greg: Dazzy? And Tazzy?
Daz: Greg do you want to called Grazzy?
Greg: IN THE LORD'S NAME, OF THE STATE OF ALABAMA, NO!
Daz: Then shut the fuck up,
Taz: (As Greg and Daz head downstairs) Hey how are you Dazzy?
Daz: Horny as hell for you babe.
Greg: As expected.
Taz: Okay Graz, your breakfast of Pop noodles. (Lays the Pot next to him)
Greg: I wasn't expecting that *Note the sarcasm*
Taz: Oh and Daz… (Rubs Daz's crotch and walks off winking)
Daz: So effin' fit.
Greg: Have you...? Well to put it politely, "banged" her yet?
Daz: Nah, but just you wait Greg, there woe be a celling to this kitchen after I'm done with her.
Greg: Charmin', you know she's only trying to seduce you slowly, because you're harder to pin down than George Clooney.
Daz… and that’s meant to mean?
Greg: She wants a long term relationship with you.
Chantelle (from Distance): WTF IS THAT!?
Daz: Yeah, what she said.
Greg: Never mind… (Knock on door Lake bounds up to it, Greg has to hold the aggressive pitbull back, he opens the door and George is standing there).
George: You coming out then Greg?
Greg: Out where?
George: I dunno, anywhere to be honest, enjoy the Christmas holidays, the other's are all out.
Greg: Alright then, lemme get dressed
Greg: Okay Daniel I'm heading out.
Greg: I'll see you later Daniel.
George: Is he…?
Greg: Thinking about Taz, yup, she knows how to play him. I'll give her credit for that, still come on, the day is passing and I don't want to waste any more time here with my brooding cousin.