"I felt like an animal, and animals don't know sin, do they?" - Jess C. Scott
When I was young, I was taught that sex was evil.
That it was merely a tool for procreation, nothing more.
Looking upon women with desire was not something a proper boy did.
Upon the discovery of lust, I was terrified.
I saw movies and pictures differently; I saw people differently.
I was curious, but at the same time furious with myself.
I asked questions, searched for answers and outlets;
Only to be shamed with words such as “disgusting” and “unnatural.”
So what was a young boy to do to conform to a chaste world?
These desires were obviously the spawn of some demon,
a thing of unmentionable sin.
I quickly learned that self-harm could repress these desires.
I could beat the demon by cutting him out, burning him out.
That way, I could be my ‘natural’ and ‘pure’ self.
I would ascend from the level of the unworthy.
But it was like walking through thickening cement.
I could only move so far before I was stuck, surrounded by the desire.
I trudged through a desert, refusing water until I could take no more.
I had to drink, I needed to drink.
And so the cycle continued.
Even though I knew what an awful thing lust was, part of me accepted it.
Part of me rejected this notion of ‘sex is evil.’
Many times, that part would lash out and become angry at my superiors
for lying to me.
For many years I believed that part of me was the demon.
In the eyes of my mentors, only a monster could commit such thoughtcrime.
But now I ask myself, “Who are the true monsters?”