The Evil Pants
by Eddie Glebes
Scene 1: The Church
This scene begins with the main character LeDouche at church. Some gospel music is playing (we will add horrible lyrics about Jesus doing very sexual things, sung in falsetto). As he exits the church, someone trips him and he falls, ripping his pants. The priest, a fire-and brimstone style southern preacher, condemns him. He rants about how the penis is the Rod of Satan, and that exposing it will doom him and all of mankind to hell. That he needs new pants or he will burn for eternity with the other sinners. LeDouche leaves to get new pants.
Scene 2: The Thrift Store
In this scene, LeDouche and a friend wander into a thrift store looking for pants, but LeDouche doesn't have much money. He sees a pair for one cent, a pair of hideous pants that are clearly evil (I want to do some clay molding on the pants so they have a demon face on them, like the Necronomicon) and brings them to the front. The clerk tells him the pants are evil and cursed. That by buying them he could become a monster. The friend asks why he would sell them if they're so dangerous, and it becomes obvious the clerk had clearly not thought of this when he put them up. LeDouche insists on buying them, and puts them on despite the clerks pleas for him to stop. An ominous heavy guitar riff rings out, and LeDouche begins laughing evilly. There's a puff of smoke, and we see LeDouche transformed into his evil form. He begins flipping out, trashing the place and running outside. Once outside, he starts beating up people on the street and throwing stuff around, cackling maniacally the whole time. The scene exits as he rounds a street corner and we lose track of him.
Scene 3: The Aftermath
LeDouche wakes up the next day feeling awful, but otherwise normal. He flips the blanket over, and is wearing boxers but no pants. He breathes a sigh of relief and flips on the radio. The music quickly cuts to a newscast warning the public of a crazy dangerous maniac wearing horribly ugly pants terrorizing the neighbourhood. He freaks out and runs into his kitchen, where the pants are laying on the floor. At this point, because he is not a smart man, he still doesn't believe the pants are the problem. He assumes that he has gone crazy and wants to turn himself in. He goes to get dressed and discovers that every pair of pants or shorts he owns has been destroyed. He debates going out in his boxers, and remembers the priests warning about going to hell for not having pants. So he puts the pants on, and is transformed again. This time, we see him doing all kinds of dick things that, while rude, aren't really evil. Like faking holding the door for someone, just to shove it in their face. Stealing peoples mail, etc. After a brief montage of him being evil, the scene fades out again.
Scene 4: The Curse
LeDouche wakes up again, only now his whole apartment is trashed, and all his clothes are destroyed, except the pants. Now the demon face on the pants is grinning. LeDouche has figured out by now that the pants are evil, and won't touch them. He makes pants out of garbage bags and duct tape, and leaves to see the clerk of the thrift store. The clerk is watching the news, and the reporter is talking about organizing a manhunt to find the asshole in the ugly pants who keeps terrorizing the neighbourhood. LeDouche demands to know how he can remove the curse. The clerk explains how the pants are posessed by a demon who loves horrible punk rock, and that if LeDouche can appease the demon with this awful music, the demon will release his grip on the pants. LeDouche understands what he must do and wanders away to prepare. As he leaves, the next customer in line asks the clerk why he couldn't just give LeDouche new pants, and just burn the old ones, and again it is clear the clerk hadn't considered this. The clerk tells the customer to shut up and that he doesn't give away free stuff. The customer is purchasing a Scrabble game, and the clerk begins to tell him about how the Scrabble game is cursed, at which point the scene sharply cuts outs.
Scene 5: The Punk Show
The scene begins with LeDouche in the bathroom of the bar, staring at a garment bag that is pulsating. He opens it and there are the evil pants, hissing and sneering. He takes a deep breath, pumps himself up, and tears off his garbage bag pants, putting on the evil ones. The pants are laughing in a deep sinister fashion. Once again, LeDouche transforms into his evil version, and bursts out of the bathroom, ready to cause havoc. But then he hears the punk rock, and becomes transfixed by it. He rushes the stage, punches one of the musicians out and takes his place. They play the set (we can use a gig at the Richmond to film ALL of this) and everyone loves it. There is a bright flash and the pants have become normal, nerdy looking pants. The crowd cheers and the music resumes. End scene.
Scene 6: The Wedding
The scene begins with LeDouche and his new bride leaving the church, with the priest complimenting him on his lovely pants. LeDouche has a brief speech about how glad he is to have all of this behind them. About how he looks forward to his new life with his punk band and his wife, a life of nice, normal pants. As LeDouche and his wife exit the shot, his friend in the background is left asking about all of the plotholes of the story. About why LeDouche couldn't just get new pants in the first place, about what happened to the musician whose place he stole, or any of the other choas he caused. About the mob out looking for the evil pants guy. About the girl LeDouche married, where she even came from and why the hell are they married now? He turns to the clerk, who is also present, and asks for an explanation. When he has none, the friend asks why the clerk is even present. The clerk, again, is clearly unprepared for any of these questions. He has no idea what is going on. They agree to go for a pint and try to figure it out. As they walk away, we see behind them the customer who bought the Scrabble game, staring at the camera and laughing evilly. The End.
The Evil Pants