So, I was in love with my friend, and it was painfully obvious that you didn't feel even close to the same for me. What does a sane person do in this situation? Well, if the person you love doesn't love you, you get over them, especially if it's clear they will never grow to love you. Well, I am a sane person, and I did what sane people in love do. I was going to get over you. However, I was doing so in a rather insane way.
I was going to tell you I loved you, in person, to your face.
Here was my logic; if I laid everything out on the line like that, I would be able to get over you faster. I was confident that you wouldn't say you loved me too, and I figured the absolute embarrassment and disappointment at the rejection would give me enough strength to completely let go of my feelings for you. But of course there was this small little hope in the back of my mind that you would at least acknowledge my feelings for you and want to be with me instead of Sadie. Like miracles like that could really happen. I knew that in about a month you were going to have a party to celebrate your graduation and birthday. I didn't care if Sadie was there hovering over you or not. I was saying my two cents at that party.
So for a month, I kept texting you a few times a week, keeping up our friendly conversations, while I was mentally preparing myself for making myself completely vulnerable to you. The day had finally come. August 13th, a week after your 18th birthday. I was excited and nauseous at the same time. But we both know what happened, right? I didn't show up. For those of you who don't know, I'm terrified of driving, and therefore only took the first part of drivers training. That means I only have my permit, and I rely on other people to take me places. My mother informed me about 2 hours before I was supposed to go to your house that she just wasn't up to driving me to and from some strangers house. So that was it, wasn't it? If I couldn't tell you I loved you, I would just have to disappear. You and Sadie seemed perfectly happy with each other, and I was just this girl waiting for miracles to happen. That day, I decided to let you go.
I wanted to go cold turkey on my interactions with you. I stopped texting you and I didn't allow myself to read any of our old text messages. In fact, I think I deleted all of them off my phone. I was also trying to keep away from Twitter and Facebook. It was easy ignoring Twitter, but I would cheat with Facebook and check your profile once or twice a week. I never commented on or liked anything, though. I couldn't let you think I still cared. The only thing left to do was to try and control my mind. Thoughts of you would creep into my reflections of the day, and I would push them out after briefly reminding myself that I was moving on, and that it was useless to fantasize anymore. I kept this up for more than a month. Soon it was getting easy not to think about you, and it wasn't as exciting for me to check up on you on Facebook. I had the distraction of moving on campus at my university and starting classing to further distract me. I thought I was really going to get over these feelings I had for you, and even started thinking that maybe I hadn't been in love with you all that time. Maybe I just really hated not being able to have you.
Everything was going smooth, until one day in late September. I was still checking in on you on Facebook. I was still interested in being friends after I squashed my romantic feelings for you, so it didn't mean much to me to be checking how your life was going. I looked at your posts from the last week, and everything seemed normal, but right before I left your profile, I noticed something that made my heart stop for the smallest of moments.
You weren't listed as in a relationship with Sadie anymore.
I just looked at it for a second, then I thought to myself, They broke up? What? I don't why I felt so compelled to do this, but I then went and checked Sadie's profile. There, as well, she was no longer listed as in a relationship with you. I then thought to myself, Wow, really? I never thought I'd see the day... And as my thought trailed off, a familiar feeling started to set in. My heart rate was quickening and I was getting that fluttery feeling in my tummy. I didn't think that it could have happened so quickly, but it did. All the mushy, I-like-like-you feelings I had suppressed since August had come flooding back. I wanted to text you again. I wanted to flirt shamelessly, because now I could. Every thought of giving up on you went out the window, and with the entrance of the fresh air came a second chance with you.
I was hesitating though, as I often do. Even if you were now single, I just ignored you for a pretty significant amount of time. The only communication we had was on my birthday when you texted me well wishes and I replied back with a thank you. How would it look if I started talking to you again as soon as you were single? However, I just knew that I would want to kick myself if I let my desire to keep up appearances hold me back. It was obvious I still liked you a lot, so why pass up this perfect opportunity? I'm so glad that at least one of us is aggressive in this weird relationship we have, because I might have been pondering what to do into the late hours of the night if you hadn't texted me first that evening. When I saw that it was you, it didn't take me more than 5 seconds to decide. If you still wanted me, I was bent on having you as my own. I replied back.
For the next three days, we were back in our texting groove. Not only were we flirting a nice amount, but we were just making each other laugh. It was so nice to be back in this area with you. You know Facebook sorta sucks. I have this nice love, hate relationship going on with it. I can find out some valuable info from it, but the damned thing won't stay the same long enough for me to enjoy it's resourcefulness. Because of Facebook, I was mislead. I was looking at Sadie's profile three days after you and I were talking again. I had started reading Twitter again, and she had been quite mopey on Twitter lately. I was curious and wanted to see if her Facebook resembled the same thing. Boy, was I in for an unpleasant surprise that day. Sadie's profile showed that she was back in a relationship with you. I'm sorry. WHAT?! But I...and you...what the heck was going on? I then went to check your profile. How could I yet again think that would make any difference. Obviously I knew that it would say the exact same thing on your profile.
Yet it didn't. I hit refresh on your page 5 times before I sat there and tried to figure this out. Then came along the hypothesis, which was later confirmed; Facebook now allowed you to hide your relationship status. I'm sorry, but who sincerely thought that was a good idea? Why didn't the people who come up with new options on Facebook go through scenarios similar to mine and realize this could cause major conflict? See. Love, hate relationship. So, for those three days when I was making it painfully clear that I was still interested in you, you were actually still with Sadie. I went straight into anger mode for a minute. "What the hell man? Why would he do that? Why is he acting like he's single when he's not? To attract gullible girls like me?!" When I realized I was getting a little out of hand, I came back to rational mode and tried to rationalize why you would be hiding your relationship status on Facebook.
"So he's still with her, but it's obvious she's pretty pissed off about him doing this. So for those three days, she hid him on her profile, too. It was probably an attempt to make him jealous, too. And when she saw that it wasn't having any effect, she reset it so it was visible again. And I'm just the innocent bystander caught up in this all. Of course, that's Camera's role isn't it? Ugh."
I sprawled out on my bed, allowing myself to focus all on the facts and what I had learned about your and Sadie's character over the last few months.
"So if he knows this is pissing her off, he also knows that she's very likely to break up with him if he keeps pulling this bull. That's it then? He wants her to break up with him? But he's not really the type to do that. I'm the type to do that, but he's always been able to just break it off with girls upfront. Why would he be doing it like this then?"
I had hit a road block. Everything fell into place but I had no motive for you to try and force Sadie to break up instead of doing it yourself. I couldn't completely believe that you were just being a jerk though, so I resolved to keep talking to you. Girlfriend or not, it was obvious that you had emotionally checked out of your relationship with Sadie, and I really wanted to figure out what was going on. For the next week, we were texting, and I never brought up the fact that I knew you were still with Sadie. When we weren't talking, I would check in on her posts on Twitter and Facebook once to twice a day to get clues of what had led to all this. It wasn't until the seventh day that things all clicked into place. I was on Sadie's Facebook profile, and I saw that you had left a wallpost. "My phone was off. What hospital are you at?!" Hospital? Why would she be at a hospital? She hadn't said anything about there being anything wrong with her or that she had been hurt. I thought back to a few months earlier when she was complaining of a sprained ankle that prevented her from cheerleading. Could she have had some complication with that? No, that couldn't be it. Too much time had passed for it to still be a serious issue. I had only thought this jokingly at first, but soon it was not a joke: What, had she hurt herself? As soon as I thought that, tweets from when I first started following Sadie on Twitter came back to my mind.
Sadie not only was a cutter, but she had taken sleeping pills.
My stomach felt like it had dropped to my knees, and my body was shaking. I knew right then, without even asking you, that she had done something to herself, and that was the reason you were doing what you were doing. You were afraid she was going to kill herself if you broke up with her. I absolutely couldn't leave you in the dark now of this was true. This wasn't just teenage romance drama anymore. This girl quite possibly had some real issues that you unfortunately were being dragged into. I could be the only person who knew. I didn't bring up my hypothesis to you, because it sounded like something straight out of a soap opera, but I kept talking to you, hoping one day you would either finally end things with Sadie or tell me exactly what was going on.
Weeks went by and Sadie was still clinging to you. Even though you were ignoring her and showing a heavy disinterest with her, and Sadie was noticeably unhappy, she still had hope that things would get better. You and I were flirting and it was becoming obvious that you weren't trying to preserve your relationship. I didn't feel any need to "behave myself" and so around Halloween time, we planned a visit for you to hang out with me in my dorm.
I didn't really know what to expect. From our convos, it was clear to me that you were attracted to me physically, but I didn't know whether you were still going to honor your relationship, even if you weren't sticking around because you wanted to. And really, I didn't know how far I wanted to go. It was honestly the perfect opportunity to do whatever I wanted, besides having to kick my roommate out for some privacy. However, I knew that my morals might kick in in the midst of all the passion, and scream at me for being wrong. I decided I would cross that bridge when it came along.
So it was all planned out. October 29, I was going to wake up at the ungodly hour of 7 am, and my friend Kristy was going to drive all the way to your house with me, and drive all the way back on campus. I honestly thought we were going to get hopelessly lost on the way, cause I didn't go on the side of town where you lived often, and therefore was just relying on my phone's navigation for directions. Also, whenever I went on a car ride with Kristy, we tended to go on mini adventures of a sort, as we missed turns frequently. It was a fairly smooth ride, though. We got all the way into town before we missed one turn, and simply had to do a U-turn to correct ourselves. We were outside your house less than an hour after leaving campus. I called you and told you we were outside, and in the next minute, you were emerging from your home.
Dude, can I just say this again? You are so freaking hot. I can't put it in words how attracted I am to you. Like, you aren't a super model, or some movie star, but you are just...gosh, you're adorable!
I got a little bit of that feeling I had when I saw you at graduation when you walked through your front door, and a big smile spread across my face. I hopped out of the car as you started walking towards it. In my hurry to give you a hug, I let my keys and school ID drop out of my lap and onto the ground, and I was stepping all over your feet once I had my arms around you. We went to the car where I collected my things and I introduced you to Kristy and you hopped into the back. Another 45 minutes later, we were on campus again. I was watching my every move around you. I wanted to hold your hand, but what if you thought that was weird? You were a lot more natural. You were tickling me and making jokes.
That day was so fun. For the first couple hours, we just chatted and watched YouTube videos while I loosened up. My roommate, who had been sleeping during most of this, eventually came out into the lounge with Kristy, where you and I were chilling, and we all started hanging out for a little. She and Kristy went to the store for food. And when I say they got food, I mean they brought back a freaking feast. Chicken, potato chips, a vegetable platter, salsa, chips, fruit snacks, dinner rolls, soda, and a red velvet cake. I hadn't eaten anything all day and it was already 1 o'clock by this point. Guess how much food I ate? I had a dinner roll and three bites of a small piece of red velvet cake. If I ate any more, I probably would have barfed. Even though I was hungry, I was just so effing nervous that day! You had seen me eat before, so it wasn't a thing of wanting to seem dainty and proper. My body was just not having it that day. So after that we were all just sitting around chatting for a while.
This is when I could have killed my roommate. She's said a lot of dumb things to me, but this was when I was sure I would never like her. We were all talking about some miscellaneous topic and she says, "Is that because you don't have a girlfriend?" I honestly don't know if I was successful at holding my poker face or not, but inside I had already shot her ten times in one second. I had talked to her about you once or twice and one of those times was when I still thought you had broken up with Sadie. I just never informed her I was incorrect about that, partially because I didn't want her judging me about having a taken guy staying the night in our room. I watched your face take on a confused expression, and you said, "...No." All I could think to myself in that moment's pause was. "Death. Immediate death. Kill her. Off with her head." Then you turned to me and said, "Oh yeah. I need to talk to you about that crazy person."
I perked up at this. We were finally going to be talking about what was going on between you and Sadie, and by the sounds of your use of the word "crazy," my hypothesis was looking to be correct. You proceeded to tell me about how you found out that Sadie was insane. No really, she was nuts. Nuts enough to have been put into a straight jacket for two months. If my hypothesis was soap opera like, this was on a whole other level of wild! You told me how she had almost overdosed on sleeping pills and your various crazy stories of suicidal things she had said and done. I had been more correct than I had wanted to be. I was happy to know that you really weren't a jerk and that you were just trying to end things as safely as you could. However, I was seriously scared for you, seeing as it seemed Sadie could be inclined to hurt you. Then later I realized she very well could want to hurt me if she ever found out about my feelings for you. Oh life; you are forever throwing curve balls, set on fire, with spinning blades of death.
After that conversation I started to loosen up. Knowing that you weren't even trying to be with Sadie any longer took away the need to feel guilty. I sat close to you and I gave you flirty eyes. Kristy had to work that night, but you, me, and my roommate hung out that night. We went floor hopping and we talked. My roommate convinced you to convince me to go to this festival thing they had going on that night. The sun was setting as we were walking to the student center where it was being held. As we crossed the bridge over our little pond on campus, we stopped and looked at a strange leaf floating in the water. You felt obliged to scare me from behind while I looked over the side. We walked all the way to the banquet room where the festival was. It was clear when we looked at the attendants that we wouldn't fit in very well. Two young black people and a skinny white girl in a crowd of 100 middle eastern people was definitely going to look weird, so we turned back around and started to go back to the dorm. My roommate was fooling around with her hair as we were walking, and when we were walking by the ladies room, she slipped in to adjust her ponytail.
You went and sat down on a bench opposite the restroom door, and spread your arms out against the back of the bench. I went and sat beside you, leaning up against one of your arms. I turned and smiled at you, trying to break the awkwardness. You laughed, then you got this look in your eye. I love that look, and I'll never forget it. You leaned in, just like I knew you would, and at the last second, I leaned in too, and pressed my lips to yours.
Oh my goodness! I just can't encompass the joy of that moment! It was like winning the lottery, losing your virginity, meeting your favorite celebrity, and winning the game all in the same night, times a million.
Okay, yes it was just a very innocent peck on the lips, but I was celebrating for days after that kiss. Especially compared to my first ever kiss. This one was so much more sweet and innocent, and I felt no pressure or discomfort with you. It was absolutely perfect. "If I were light skinned I'd be blushing right now." I laughed at your joke and smiled like an idiot, as my face burned crimson. My roommate rejoined us shortly afterward and we went back to the dorms. The rest of the night was laughter, jokes, and fun. We all got sleepy around 12 surprisingly, and we went back to my dorm room.
Moment of truth; where were you going to sleep? I had no objections with you sleeping in my bed with me, but you opted for some kind of odd chair bed. After I changed into my pjs, which consisted of a T-shirt and some sweat pants, the lights went off and I climbed up to the top bunk while my roommate slipped into the bottom bed. Maybe it was better you hadn't slept with me in my bed. I was going to keep this to myself but, that night I prayed for you while I laid in my bed. I really was concerned for you with Sadie. I couldn't bare the thought of you hurt because of her issues. So I prayed before I knocked out for the night.
The next morning everyone woke up slowly but surely. Teeth were brushed and clothes were put on. Kristy wasn't going to be able to drive you back so you called for a ride. While we waited, I introduced you to a little film called The Parent Trap, which I still can't believe you've never seen. Soon, I was walking you to your ride and giving you a hug goodbye. I should have kissed you again! The urge was so strong back then! So I went back to my dorm room and continued life as normal. That afternoon, Sadie finally had enough, and you two officially broke up. If there's any place that I could count from, I think that's the best place. That evening, October 30, 2011, was a major progression in our relationship. I could no longer call you just my friend.
We were lovers.