There were a few times where my damnation would be cancelled out for a moment. Every once in a great while, I would find peace. I always knew that the peace would die away, but I exulted in it for as long as I could. But when the spiritual highs were over, I would crash down, even more discouraged than before.
Perfection. I couldn't attain it.
Eventually, I got to the point where my attitude was, "Why even try?" For a long time, I stopped reading the Bible and rarely prayed. The only thing that kept me going was the occasional scrawling of a prayer in my prayer journal.
By all accounts, God should have left me. He should have given up on me and left me in the dust. But He didn't.