I forgot to mention something that should have been said toward the beginning of this saga. It's about the compulsion I once had to self-harm.
While Idina was still anti-recovery, I remember sitting in the backseat of our car, waiting for her to get in the car. Back then, our car was covered in clutter. One of the things that lay strewn across the car floor was a broken CD case.
I was shoving the junk aside to make room for my feet when the edge of the broken CD case rubbed against my leg, causing a burst of pain. The case was extremely sharp, and as I looked down at my leg, a long line of red formed along the skin that had been hurt by the broken plastic. I stared down at my pained leg for a long time. Because the scrape hadn't just hurt...
It had provided adrenaline rush.