In the months that followed, I tried to force myself to realize the fact that nothing would ever be as it used to be before the anorexia. And as Idina's recovery got harder and harder, I tried more and more to be as perfect as possible.
Scrupulosity. Remember that funny word? Yeah, it's the spiritual perfectionism thing. I gave a you a brief overview of it, but I'm going to go into more depth now.
During the months after Idina's return from Remuda Ranch, I learned to shove aside my emotions more and more.
But my spiritual OCD evolved into something much worse than I'd bargained for. Suddenly, I felt the need to be absolutely spiritually spotless, else I'd experience the terrible wrath of God and be damned to hell for all eternity. My need to be the perfect daughter of my earthly parents became the deadly need to be the perfect daughter of my Heavenly Father. And the more I tried to be perfect...the harder it got.