As mental instabilities, whether minor or major, seem to often do, my OCD began to affect my relationship with God. Before, I'd been confident in my faith.
But now...now, as I forced myself to be perfect, my OCD morphed into something much more deadly: scrupulosity.
Now, I know scrupulosity looks like an impossible word to understand, but its meaning can be summed up in two words: spiritual perfectionism (or spiritual OCD). My particular form of scrupulosity became the belief that unless I was utterly perfect in every way, God would condemn me.
It became so severe that I believed if I didn't repeat a certain prayer over and over and over again, or if I skipped reading the Bible for even one day, or if I didn't do random things like swallowing or listening to a song on my iPod a certain number of times, I wouldn't be pleasing God. And if I wasn't pleasing God, then I'd go to hell. End of discussion.
All this from the feeling that I needed to be a perfect daughter to compensate for those who had not been...