Despite the fact that I'd cried enough to fill an ocean during Family Week, I was pretty good at teaching myself not to cry. I didn't realize how much tears are needed for healing; no, my method of dealing with the pain was to throw out emotions and replace them with the chase of perfection.
When I was sad, I taught myself to smile. When I wanted to cry, I taught myself to laugh. When I entertained bitter thoughts, I handed out compliments.
Perfection...what a stupid chase. What a hopeless mess.
Pretty soon, I was good at ironing out any wrinkles in my perfection. On the outside, I was strong. Brave. Collected. Secure. On the inside, I was teaching myself to be numb. And by all accounts, I was getting pretty snappin' good at it, too.
I never told people about how rejected I felt when they started paying more attention to Idina than they ever had to me. My stronghold was my armor; my coping skill was my ability to drown out emotions with stoic numbness. It wasn't easy, turning myself into a human robot. But I sure did.