Again, the main counselor was the one to break the silence. "What would have happened if Idina would have died?"
I didn't have to think about that one. "I would have died. Maybe not physically, but emotionally." I started crying all over again, and later Idina said that when I had said those words, everyone who had somehow been able to keep from shedding tears during the session finally began to cry.
I don't remember the questions that were asked about my artwork after that, or even if any more questions were asked. All I know is that I discovered the root of all my panic attacks and anxiety: I was afraid that Idina would die, and I would have been able to do something to keep it from happening. I was afraid I would somehow forget to help her in some way, and she would die as a result of it. I was afraid Idina would die, and it would be all my fault! I felt responsible for her life. And it was such a terrible burden to bear.