When My Psychological Stuff BeganMature

Have you ever felt like you couldn't express your emotions? Have you ever been afraid that if you do, you'll be letting down the people around you? Such was my life. As I wrote in the poem that expressed my anguish during the eating disorder, I was always "the first to comfort and the last to cry." I told myself that I would be the best daughter in the world, that I would keep from showing my feelings so that my family could depend on me to be the strong one.

It all evolved into a huge psychological mess that I'm now still struggling to overcome...but now I'm getting ahead of myself. Back to the story.

My oldest sister had gotten into trouble when I was little - various adoption-related issues - and now Idina had developed anorexia. My parents were really concerned that I, in turn, was going to have a breakdown of some sort. I remember I was talking with my parents about Idina, when my mom wrapped her arms around me and said, "I'm so glad to have one normal daughter!"

While the words were meant to be a complement of sorts, my emotion-repulsed mind twisted them into meaning that I had to be perfect. So I continued to calmly build my armor around my roiling emotions, swearing to myself that I'd choke out all feelings until I was as emotionless as a robot. Only then would I be strong. Thus began my spiritual OCD and war over emotions.

The End

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