But just because I knew she would win the war doesn't mean I thought it would be easy.
Meanwhile, while Idina was fighting the deadly battle of anorexia, I was at home, fighting the stupid battle of panic attacks. For the first couple of weeks after Idina left home, I would get mild panic attacks. See, my anxiety that I'd developed over the course of all this manifested itself in nausea. Whenever I got anxious, I got sick. So I constantly thought I had the stomach flu - which, if you remember, is my hugest fear in all my life. And when I was convinced I had the stomach flu, I'd go into panic-attack mode.
Yeah. Not too pretty, is it?
My anxiety was triggered by many different things, but they usually came in the form of troubles with Idina and other eating disorder-related issues. I was afraid to spend the night at my friends' houses because I was afraid I'd get anxious and have a panic attack.
My mom walked around the house with tear-red eyes, and my dad was alot quieter than usual. Our house was devoid of laughter. I remember looking at my friends and thinking, What is it like to really laugh?
I hated what the eating disorder I didn't have was doing to me.