I think the title explains it all: she wasn't getting better.
No matter how much food the hospitals made her eat, and no matter how much we watch Idina's every move, she was still losing weight. It didn't add up (pun not intended, oh, well) - how could she be losing weight, even though the hospital was watching to make sure she ate and didn't exercise?
The answer is one we should have noticed right away: she was exercising late into the night. Every night.
At first, I didn't know what to think. And then, it dawned on me.
We share a room. If Idina was exercising late into the night, then I should have noticed! I should have been able to see that she was doing sit-ups and leg lifts at 2:00 a.m.! I should have noticed! I could have changed things!
So amidst all the other feelings I was trying to suppress, guilt was added to the mix.
Because if I'd been paying better attention, Idina wouldn't have been exercising.