Meanwhile, my entire family was focused entirely on Idina.
Now, I'm not saying they shouldn't have been focused on Idina. When I talk about Idina, I'm not condemning her or blaming her. I'm just telling you things as they were. Because of all the attention being lavished on my sister and her eating disorder, I got extremely jealous. I was pushed into the background.
Everything was about Idina. Everything we did was centered on her wellness. I got really angry at her, but I kept it all inside myself. I felt guilty for feeling jealous and alone and unappreciated. I thought my feelings were entirely wicked, so I didn't tell anyone about them. I suppressed them. I never talked to anyone about how I was doing.
The weird thing was, nobody knew about my sister. Basically the only people who knew were my family, Jordan, two of Idina's other friends, and two of my mom's really good friends. I honestly can't think of other people who knew. We kept the secret, and we kept it well.
Because I couldn't talk to anyone about Idina's eating disorder, I bottled my feelings up inside myself and told myself not to trust anyone. I told myself feeling things was bad.
Slowly, slowly, I began fashioning my armor. The armor that even today I'm struggling to get rid of.