July the 2nd, 2012Mature

I feel like a hippie. I’ve been wearing the same outfit for the past three days. Thank God for generators or I would be sweaty with greasy hair – with the generator we can take showers and turn on fans. According to the internet via Papa’s phone, our county will have ninety percent of its power restored by the fourth. I can already hear the fireworks and the rejoicing as the lights blaze back to life, punctuated by the bright explosions in the sky. And the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our electricity was still there.....

However, we are probably going to end up the unlucky ten percent that will not have power until the seventh or later. Such is the life of those who live in the middle of nowhere, far from civilization. The library is back open at last and I was able to switch out the books I’d already read for a heaping of Doctor Who ones – also the newest Black Butler which I devoured in under half an hour upon receiving it.

The best friend of my ex’s brother, Jake, was there at the front desk of the library when I walked in. To make a point, I walked up beside him, slammed my books down on the counter to be returned and walked away. He didn’t even look at me. To be honest, I don’t think he even noticed I was there. Katie, River’s best friend (and an acquaintance of mine), was also there. I looked straight at her where she sat at the computer, trying to will her to look in my direction. She had to have seen me. She didn’t say a thing.

Perhaps all the ‘friends’ I thought I had aren’t really my friends after all. I’ve been stabbed in the back before, so I don’t really mind. I shall keep calm and carry on. Jake’s probably cross with me anyway for breaking up with my latest boyfriend, Austin.

Everyone seemed to take his side after I broke up with him. Poor Austin, she broke his heart. I often break hearts because I lack a heart of my own. Where my heart should be, there’s a note pinned there with a silver tack that reads, IOU one heart – sincerely, life the universe and everything. I wish I was a Time Lady so I could have two hearts. If something happened to one, I’d always have the other.

Maybe one day, a kind boy will give me his heart and I shall give him my soul. For what am I but a lonely soul without a heart who wanders this world with rusty joints that sometimes refuse to move? If I only had a heart…. I can sympathize with the Tin Man. If there’s one thing I do have, it’s a mind and a purpose: to empty myself of my fantastic ideas and write them out onto paper. Or, in this case, type it out onto Microsoft Word.

The only dream I still long for, still believe in, is the one where I picture myself a strong, independent writer who lives alone in a cottage somewhere with an orange cat and a gorgeous garden. Men only complicate things. I don’t think I’ll date anyone again anytime soon. I gave up on love a long time ago – I just refuse to believe that I gave up.

Every time I’m in a relationship, I feel like I’m faking it. In the end, I discover I actually was faking it. There is no love in my nonexistent heart. The only part of me that loves is my soul and that love I give to the one true God, Jesus Christ, the beginning and the end, the Alpha and the Omega. I will have to tear myself in two to love any other. But for the right boy, the one who understands me completely, every insane section of me, I will do it. I will rip myself apart for him if he ever comes. No matter what the cost.

I feel like Rose trapped in the alternate universe with the wrong Doctor. For the right Doctor, I would cross the void and rip reality apart.

Man, I really wish that my computer still had Sony Vegas Pro 9 on it. Now would be a perfect time to make a Doctor Who fanvideo that parallels my life. On one hand, I feel like Rose, as I mentioned. On the other hand, my recent relationship with Austin made me feel like Martha almost. In the words of Linkin Park, and I was by your side…..powerless. The Doctor made Martha a soldier because of his childish behavior and how he ignored the signs that she liked him. Austin made me a fighter who will never believe in love. I believe in motherly love, fatherly love and brotherly love. No one on this earth can convince me that romantic love is real. It is a drug of the brain, a lie. Love is a perfect element when writing a story, but a destructive element in real life.

Boys want girls for their looks, nothing more. I only look nice with makeup on and my hair done. I knew Austin was lying when he first saw me with my hair messed up and no makeup. I could see the lie in his eyes. I’m surprised he even wanted me. My chest is close to flat and I’m so short my friends tend to call me ‘Leprechaun’. I guess that just proves how extremely desperate he was. I should have known better, picking up one of my friend’s exs. Emma won’t even talk to me now because I broke up with him. She has a new boyfriend now but for some reason she still cares about Austin.

When will the drama end? Surely this won’t continue, the petty fights that erupt during High School? Sometimes I wish that all the teachers and adults would disappear from school for a day so we could all settle our differences the way we all want to – fighting. I can almost imagine a Hunger Games scenario with all of us fighting one another to the death. Okay, maybe not to the death, but there would be bloodshed for certain.

Now would be a perfect time for a raggedy man in a blue box to show up on my lawn. There’s only one problem –

There isn’t a crack in my wall, and I don’t pray to Santa.


- Victoria Glass

The End

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