14/08/2013 - Life is a metronomeMature

Diary Entry.

So here we go again it seems.

Life is nothing but a big metronome. Swinging back and forth from happy and sad, constantly ruining your life just after it's reached it's peak of joy. Just after you're happy, finally.
Nothing lasts forever but who thought this feeling would only last a day or two? Why is it that every single time I think things are going right... Something fucks up.

I don't think I can take it any more. I'm sick of going from being on top of the world to wanting to be six feet under it. It's harder than it looks to be alive, especially when you've got the weight of everything on your shoulders. I'm a lost cause, nobody can save me now. I'm still here in body but in spirit, I'm as far away as spiritually possible.

I'm a liar. I rarely tell the truth. I lie about the pettiest of things. The way I feel, they things I eat, the things I do, things that happened. But then there are the huge lies. The ones that I say to myself so often I'm actually starting to believe them. I lie to myself more than others. I make myself believe that I live this great life full of adventures and romance and great friendships but I don't. Not really. It's not like I could ever actually become someone. I find it near impossible to actually think that I have a chance of becoming famous. It's a childish dream, I know. It's an almost impossible dream. But still I try... Waiting for the imminent failure. I lie to myself about that too, that one day I'll be living how I want to be and I'll be happy. Emotions are a lie.

One thing I don't lie about is how I don't believe in love. I believe it is humanly possible to make yourself love someone. In fact I am living proof that you can because about 10 months ago I was lying in bed telling myself to love this guy. I literally lay there for an hour saying to myself "you love him, you love everything about him, his cheeky smile, his voice, the way he always stands out. You love it. You love him."
And now look at me, I'm head over heels for the guy. I'd do anything for him.

But nothing ever works two ways does it. Nobody ever feels for me as much as I do for them. I'm never top of their list even if they're the only one on mine.

The End

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