Becoming Adam KadmonMature

Again, what's with the name?

Expect obscure magical references all through my journal, but I'll explain them. Adam Kadmon is a Kabbalistic concept of the Primordial man.

In the Kabbalah, Kadmon is mankind before being made physical and thus when it was still only energy or spiritual in nature. ON of the defining traits of Adam Kadmon was the fact that before being split into Adam and Eve, the original 'man' was in fact both genders.

For many magicians, a dual gendered person would be considered alchemically perfect, the supreme union of both opposites. 

This ties in to how I feel about myself, although I am transgender (Only beginning transition) Genderqueer would be a better descriptor of my gender identity since I do feel partly male although I feel my body should not be. Genderqueer is an umbrella term for anyone who does not easily fit within the boundaries of the gender binaries of Male or Female.

Coming out.

If you are the first person reading this; Congratulations, you are sixth person who now knows about this! Only a handful of friends and my direct family is actually aware of it. I've only started discussing my gender identity issues with people in the past month or so.

I must admit, I'm either extremely lucky or blessed (depending on your paradigmal view on fate and etc.) because all those whom I've came out to as Trans have been extremely understanding and supportive, especially my Mum and big sister. (Who at first though I was gonna say I'm gay.)

Although I only realised it all recently, there had been so much signs, and feelings that I'd always pushed away as an attempt to avoid being overwhelmed by all the trauma of my past.

But I still do remember some of them; Many nights of feeling almost disgusted at my own body all through adolescence. The joy I remember feeling when I learned that transition was possible (I was watching news at a friend's house who didn't have cable when they spoke of a trans actress, whom I can't remember.)

For some reason, these things never really sunk in until recently, I honestly don't remember much about my past, I must have tried everything to forget everything bad that had happened that in the end, everything is kind of a blur.

The Future

What do I plan? Small steps for now, I've already got my ears pierced a week ago, I plan to get laser beard removal treatment soon enough, which can get rather expensive...

I've also been very lucky to have found a clinic doing HRT for free and without requiring medical diagnostic from a shrink. (Mine had completely blown me off when I brought on the subject, which had depressed me horribly at the time.)

I guess we'll see what happens next, shall we?

The End

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