Rants from my inner self, put into word. I don't expect a lot of people to read this, or understand this, but If you do understand how this feels, I hope you find comfort in the fact, wherever you may be on this little planet, you are not alone.
Anxiety (ang-zayh-i-tee) noun, plural - Distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of misfortune.
Sometimes, when the pain seems at its worst, I find it's just easiest to find a book, movie, or game, and to just slip away into another world. Imagine if it were real, as though it were my true reality. Pretend as though the events around me, and the feelings inside me, did not matter. Not exactly curing them, or ridding them, or solving them, but just numbing them for a while. So I don't have to feel the weight of the truth.
This is probably why on the weekends when you may find some people you know out partying, or busying themselves with their hobbies, you would find me at home, curled up in my reading. Or my eyes closed as I snuggle and listen to a book on tape. Or that I spend hours on tumblr, looking at the art my Fandoms have created. Created by people just as deeply immersed in the worlds crafted by word or television illusions as I may be. Caring about the problems of fictional people, rather then having the courage to face my own.
I've found, in this long journey, that the best solution to dealing, not exactly fixing, my anxiety (still working on that bit) that the best...treatment, has been to simply not feel. Or, rather, numb the feeling. To find comfort. And I've found many ways to do that. One of which is fiction.
Anxiety is more than just a sickening fear of failure. It's the feeling that you're failing, whether you're trying or not. It's feeling that you're failing, and that you have no control over it. That you have no power against it. That nothing you do matters because this failure is as strong and as omniscient as the winds of fate and the hands of destiny, that it knows your move and already as a plan to counter act it. That when things already seem as worst as they can be, it tries to match you and tosses it at you like a bowling ball to pins.
It's the feeling that you've failed already, even when you haven't even started yet. That you've failed at school, your friendships, at being a good family member or a good person. That you fail at being a productive member of society, failed at life, and therefore, having failed as a human being.
It's not sadness, it's not depression It's not self-pity. It's not anger, it's not rage. It's not dramatic. It's not life-threatening, it's not dangerous. It's not even incapability, though these feelings can quickly follow when one feels this long enough.
No. Anxiety is, simply, utterly, despair. Complete loss of hope. That you've failed because you are a failure. Because it has always been, and always will be, your fault that you failed. Because you were inadequate from the start. That you didn't do, or didn't live up to the expectations or standards of others. That you deserve this. This is your punishment. To think you have the audacity to think you are in such a bad situation when there are others in this world. When you have food, shelter, water, and while others starve, die, are tortured and raped, you think you are the one enslaved? That has failed?
As you can see, these thoughts are sure a lot for someone to bear. That's why I tend to distract myself now. I try to fight it, occasionally. I look in the mirror sometimes and stare at the weary tired person reflected back and try to say, try to think "even though you're a failure, I still love you. With all my heart." And sometimes it even works too.
You may be wondering, what exactly could one be so anxious about? What could so emotionally taxing that it causes people to end up thinking like this? It's really a mix of stupid, mundane things, and serious things as well. It's that normal teenager bullshit. Those feelings of "I don't fit in, I'm not like everyone else." Being disappointed by people I've had crushes on, feeling inferior when others think low of you simply because you're not the most popular, not the good-looking, handsome, pretty. You're not desirable. Feeling like a loser because you only have 3 friends, and they are probably the only people who actually enjoy being around you. Then feeling incredibly ungrateful because you are unappreciateive of the few friends you do have. Looking around school everyday, seeing happy faces, and then feeling stupid because it seems you're the only one who truly feels this way, that somethings wrong with you, and not everything else, because it seems life is surely working out for everyone else around you.
I try not to think these things. But mostly I just try to find comfort. And I find comfort in many things. I find comfort in my movies and in my T.V. shows and in my books. I find comfort on the websites I've joined and the video games I play. In the endless stories so many devout themselves to, both author and fan member. I find comfort in the world around me, in the warm sunshine and cool wind. In the bright moonlight and stars. In the coffee and ice cream and mac-n-cheese. In the Rain, Swirly clouds restless and ever moving above the earth. I find it in the animals that don't care who I am, who are just as curious about me as I am about them. I find comfort in the friends I've made, and the laughs we shared, the memories we've made. I find it in the music I cherish, the words so effortlessly and so acurately describing how I may feel and my confusing tangle of emotions. I've found comfort in the doodles I sketch and the writing I craft, the one true place I allow myself to truly feel and unleash my voice. To let it rage and holler and complain to nothingness.
And finally, I find comfort in the future. That this is temporary. That I'm going to fight for a happy ending to this story even if it takes everything I've got. I will fix this one day, or try to. I will work to be happy. When I have a fresh start, and am not stuck in this situation. But right now, I find it's best to just wander my thoughts, prod my imagination. Suck myself into worlds that could have been, but never were. Right now it's best, it's easiest, and surprisingly, interesting to see how this plays out.
This concludes my ramblings for now. I hope this wasn't too dramatically emotional for you. Bear in mind, I'm biased. I'm a teenager. My life isn't as horrible as I like to paint it to be. But sometimes it can be overwhelming.
Again, I don't expect many to understand this. But sometimes anxiety does this. It crushes you from the inside out. And sometimes you feel so helpless it's absolutely miserable.
I hope I'm not the only one who feels this. I don't think I am. If you do read this, If you do feel this, just know, you are not alone. You are not the only one on this path.
Who knows? You may just find comfort in this yourself.