This very short 5 page site specific comedy play is about the stereotypical rude girls and the old women complaining about how young people do not conform to rules of society. The consequences in the end for everyone are hilarious.
SHELLEY and VERONICA are sitting in the café eating fruit salad and drinking Evian. They both speak with Essex accents.
SHELLEY: And Oh my gosh, can you believe it, Dion wants to get lipo?! She says she wants it on her chin mostly, thinks she has a double.
VERONICA: She don't! Anyway she told me she wants to have booby implants, double E cups!
SHELLEY: No way!
SHELLEY AND VERONICA: Drastic!
SHELLEY: She was only saying them things to impress Austin, he was sitting right behind her.
VERONICA: She still likes him?! He's going out with Leanne.
SHELLEY: Oh my Gosh! Really? Why didn't anybody tell me?
VERONICA: Never mind about that........
SHELLEY: I am serious, why wasn't I told?
VERONICA: Shell I only just found out. I was saying...........
SHELLEY: But I'm supposed to know everything first! Who told you?
VERONICA: Jake, anyway......
SHELLEY: Who said you could talk to my ex?
VERONICA: He was passing a note round English and I..........
SHELLEY: Jake does English? When did this happen? Why wasn't I told.....
FREEZE SHELLEY and VERONICA
MAVIS and JOSEPHINE are two old frail women sitting in the café drinking English tea and custard creams.
MAVIS: (Takes a sip of her tea) All these young people do is gossip these days. When I was young, if my father ever heard me gossiping he'd put me over his knee and beat me with a sandal.
JOSEPHINE: My dad did it with his Wellington boots.
MAVIS: When I was young children were seen and not heard.
JOSEPHINE: We'd have to be back in by five in the evening or it was straight to bed.
MAVIS: Oh yes the good old curfew, kept us in order it did.
JOSEPHINE: That's what is needed today. Forget ASBO's, some good parenting and some household rules would keep the youngsters off the streets so late into the night and maybe they would do what we used to do.
MAVIS: Oh I do remember. We would sit around the fireplace drinking hot chocolate with Marshmallows when we were cold or we'd listen to a story read by mum while we were tucked up in bed. The good old days, I'm starting to feel quite nostalgic.
JOSEPHINE: Me to.
FREEZE MAVIS and JOSEPHINE
Back to SHELLEY and VERONICA; the gossiping continues.
VERONICA: I think Rosie told him to do English just after they started going out.
SHELLEY: Oh my gosh! He always does everything she tells him to do.
VERONICA: I know. She is so unreal.
VERONICA: The other day she told me how she lost her virginity to a 25 year old boxer.
SHELLEY: Oh my gosh, why wasn't I told about this?
VERONICA: I...Oh my gosh, guess who just walked in?
JAKE: Hello ladies. (They say nothing) Aren't you gonna give old Jakey a kiss? No lips mind you.
JAKE: Suit yourself. By the way Rosie's coming in for a drink with me in about five minutes, you may not want to look at her, I hear she's coming in some hot capri pants and a boob tube, you see we're going clubbing later.
VERONICA: And your point is?
JAKE: If you look, she might knock you out. Just warning you. (JAKE walks towards the counter).
SHELLEY: Oh my gosh I can't believe he just said that!
VERONICA: You're much prettier Shell, he doesn't deserve you.
SHELLEY: I know. If he thinks I'm gonna talk to him ever again......
FREEZE SHELLEY AND VERONICA
Back to MAVIS and JOSEPHINE who are still complaining about youngsters behaviour and the subject changes to how they dress.
MAVIS: (Looking at JAKE) That boy at the counter needs to learn to get dressed properly. His trousers are half falling down!
JOSEPHINE: A man had to have exemplary manners years ago. Nowadays they walk around as if they own the place and they think they can show off there private parts without shame.
MAVIS: It's not right! I have the right mind to go up to the young lad and tell him to pull up his trousers.
JOSEPHINE: Give him a piece of my mind to Mavis.
MAVIS: I will (BEAT) As soon as I've finished this tea and my bourbons.
JOSEPHINE: My fifteen year old grandson Terry would not be allowed to get away with dressing like a gang member or my son would teach him a thing or two.
MAVIS: There are very few parents today who would discipline their children properly. Discipline has gone out the window and to the dogs, I say!
JOSEPHINE: I guess we'll never return to the days where order in the community existed. I'm ashamed to live in such a society where youngsters are free to get away with anything and everything.
MAVIS: The next generations to follow them will be much worse.
JOSEPHINE: I'm glad we won't be around to see it.
FREEZE MAVIS and JOSEPHINE
Back to SHELLEY and VERONICA
SHELLEY: I don't know how much more of this I can take. Veronica get me another drink.
VERONICA: What do you want now?
SHELLEY: Get me a coke.
VERONICA gets up and walks over to the counter.
Back to MAVIS and JOSEPHINE
MAVIS: I'm going to tell him to pull his trousers up. Do you want another drink? I fancy another tea myself.
JOSEPHINE: I think I'll have a glass of water to quench my thirst deary.
MAVIS: (Walks towards JAKE) Young man, I'd very much like it if you could pull your pants up, everybody can see your bottom.
JAKE: What's your problem?
MAVIS: Oh dear. Young man I am sure you wouldn't like me to go around flashing my pantihose so the whole world can see them, so I'm asking you nicely if you could please pull your trousers up.
JAKE: They're Calvin Kleins! My....
MAVIS: You borrow your friends pants?! Well I am sure Mr Klein wouldn't....
JAKE: Go away you old bag! Who are you to tell me what I can and cannot do!?
A shocked MAVIS walks back to the table.
MAVIS: (To JOSEPHINE) Come on we're leaving.
JOSEPHINE: Don't you want another cuppa and what about my water?
MAVIS: I am shocked at the discourtesy of the younger generation. Trust them to prove me right.
JOSEPHINE: What did he say?
MAVIS: Its too rude to mention.
MAVIS walks back to the counter to put her dishes on the used dishes tray.
SHELLEY: I can't believe you Ronnie, it's not hard to get me a less sugar less fat drink, seriously.
VERONICA: You never told me you wanted a diet coke!
SHELLEY: You know I'm on a diet.
VERONICA: Why don't you just get it yourself then, seeing as you can't trust me!
SHELLEY: (Huffs) I will. (She walks over to the counter).
SHELLEY isn't looking where she is going and bumps into MAVIS who in turn drops her tray and they both fall to the floor.
MAVIS and SHELLEY breathe heavily and the switch takes place. SHELLEY becomes MAVIS and vice versa.
JAKE, JOSEPHINE and VERONICA rush over to them.
JOSEPHINE: Mavis are you alright?
SHELLEY: Oh dear, I think I've broken something. My leg hurts. Youngsters too wrapped up in their own lives to look where they're going.
VERONICA: Shell, what ....
MAVIS: Help me up, I'm outta here.
JAKE: Ladies, I think.....
VERONICA: Shut up Jake!
JAKE: What did I do?
SHELLEY: That boy is rude and doesn't care about anybody but himself.
MAVIS: Tell me about it!
JOSEPHINE: There's a walk in centre across the road, we could help them to get over there and they could see what's wrong.
VERONICA: I think they need an ambulance.
MAVIS: I am not going in an ambulance, what if it crashes? My nose job may get ruined.
SHELLEY: Don't be stupid, young lady of course we're going to need an ambulance.
MAVIS: Who are you calling stupid? If you.......
JOSEPHINE: Enough! Come on (TO JAKE and VERONICA) You give them a hand up off the floor and we'll take them to the walk in centre.
They both do as she says. JAKE helps he new MAVIS up and VERONICA helps the new SHELLEY up.