This is kinda just something I felt the need to type. Kinda venting, but not. Easing my mind of everything, if you will.
Sighs. I don't know where to begin, so I guess I'll start with the obvious.
I'm not perfect; you're not perfect; we're not perfect. But some people say imperfection is perfection, right? So, wouldn't that contradict everything? But, in all, we've both messed up somewhere, at sometime, doing something.
But, I guess there was something along the lines that never patched up. And I get worried over small things. So you know how you're out of state, having fun with your friends? Perfect, right? You're probably excited to have not a care in the world and all the freedom you could ask for, no?
As much as I want you to have fun and all, I still have this stomach churning feeling. A feeling that's washing up to my throat. It's similar to a worried feeling, but it's not quite there because I trust you...
Which is the issue. I'm afraid you're going to break my trust... And the only thing that would really do that is you getting too carried away with your fun. I don't want you losing all control of yourself and making bad decisions. Because the last thing I ever want is for you to end up hurt or in trouble.
And as bad as this sounds, I get really jealous. Over everyone you spend more time with or give the time of day for. That's where my mind goes too.. I see that you'd much rather be with other people or talking to someone else, then I won't get in your way. I'll just let you do whatever you want, however you want... even if it kills me inside. And it does.
Do you think I find it in the slightest bit okay that you're friends with someone you told me you once had feelings for? Of course not, but I'm not going to say anything, I will legitimately keep it inside of my mind until I break apart into madness. It's better than making myself seem like a controlling bitch.
But it all ends with this: I'm jealous. About everything. You have friends that like and want to talk to you; my friends lie to me just so they don't have to deal with me. You give people the time of day and will put the effort into talking to them; sometimes I am lucky to see you once a week and talk to anyone else on the side for a day.
And before you say something like "I'll be fine" or "Why don't you just leave me?" just take a minute to think about the feelings I have. No, I'm not going to leave you, but I'm just trying to make things slightly more mellow for myself so I can worry a little less.
Want to hear the worst part about everything? This is all my fault for never saying anything when things happened. Want to know what I did? I kept it all inside because I didn't want to make myself seem like I was ruining your fun. So I'll sit here and be jealous of everyone and everything, since it's the only thing I've ever let myself do.