This is that stream, that work of words that just fucking come out like nothing has ever come out before. This won't make sense. This won't mean anything to anyone more than it means to me. Sometimes I guess you just need to get those shitty thoughts out of your head. That's me. I feel better already - I've shoved on a film and I'm here typing this out as if nothing really matters.
what is the point? Sometimes I go way beyond rational thought and I just can't bear to think. What if all there is to life is to do the same old shit everyone else does. That isn't me. I can't do that shit. I can't sit behind a desk pretending to give a shit about the work I'm doing or sweat my ass off in a kitchen serving other people. I'm not designed for that, my mind isn't built for it, my heart is broken by the sheer thought of it. I hate that cliche, but I really can't think of a better phrase for it - that is how I feel. heartbroken (I mean it's so overused that it really has little effect when being read, but it really is that gutwrenching sensation that someone has their fucking hand in your chest and their just crushing your organs, pressing hard on your lungs so it's hard to breath. I hate it. I hate the thought that I'm feeling cliche let alone committing one. I should be beyond teenage angst by now - if anything it's more painful.
I think I'm going to end up homeless. I think I'd rather that to working a 9-5 (I'm not lazy, I just can't bear the monotony of a "real job"). I fucking hate that term. REAL job. As if you don't condone my life, my livelihood.
You know how recently everyone has been talking about homophobia and how it isn't a choice to be gay or straight - equally I feel as though it isn't my choice to be creative, to feel restrained by society. I need the expression and the adventure. I don't know if I can handle being told that I have to earn money.
If I end up with a normal job, I will be depressed. That seems to be the only way to say it. Maybe I shouldn't preempt it.