So. You Want to Be Emotionless?

Just so you know what you're getting into.

So. You Want to Be Emotionless?

It's easy.
Except it's not.

It'll start off in little ways.
Like arguing with your mom, and you'll get so upset that you decide to block your anger and forget about the incident.
 Or trying to ignore when your friend gets invited to a party...and you don't.

But then, it'll progress.

Slowly.

You'll pretend not to notice when people laugh at you when you make a mistake in speech class.
You tell yourself that it shouldn't matter that he asked your friend out, instead of you.

Soon enough, you might tell yourself that it's weak to shed a tear.
You might put on a lot of extra mascara as incentive to keep from crying.
You might punish yourself if you cry.
But you tell yourself it's fine; you've got it all under control.

People might comment on your bravery.
But no, their comments aren't enough. You can't merely be "brave."
You've got to be...emotionless.

You blink back the tears when you find out that one of your family members is really sick.
You take it upon yourself to be the strong one, upon whom everyone can rely.

But it gets worse.

Your friends will come to you with all their problems, since they think you're so strong. They will weigh you down.
But you will not complain, because complainers = weak.

And the consequences for being weak are absolutely unthinkable.

You can't identify your emotions anymore. What emotions you have left, that is - everything seems to have blurred together.
You aren't even tempted to cry when you find out that the person you've liked for years is getting married to someone else.

Think it's bad? Not even close.
Not yet.

It's like all of the sudden, the only things you can feel are numbness and condemnation. Numbness, because your feelings are all but gone.
Condemnation, because you know you're doing the wrong thing in blocking your feelings.

You don't feel anything - not even a twinge of sadness - when your best friend tells you she's moving.
You feel like a loser, because you can't even cry at your own grandpa's funeral.

And eventually, you might wind up sitting on your bed, yanking on your hair and wishing with all your heart that you could cry - because this emotionlessness is worse than you'd originally believed. There is almost nothing you wouldn't give up to shed even one tear!
You might self-harm, just to feel something, anything!

You will wonder why you even began in the first place.
What, oh what have you done?! 

You probably don't feel all that much as you read this.

You know you can't become completely strong.
It's futile.

Emotionlessness becomes your every hope, your every goal, your every wish.
You can't attain it.
But you fight for it.
You spend years chasing something that can't be found.
It will kill you.

So. You want to be emotionless? 

 

The End

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