I made it 3 days. 3 sodding days until I had a binge. It was not a heavy binge: 2 rivitas with pesto and cheese, a peice of bread with pesto and cheese, and 2 digestive biscuits. Not extravagant. But still a binge.
Still proof that I'm not happy with myself yet. Proof that I need to work out what's making me act like this. I went through the day over again, but I couldn't find anything bad. It was just me and my friends and my lessons. It was an okay day.
So. I binged. But I'm not going to go crazy again. Not so much. I may have a binge, but t will be smaller, more consisting of soup and such. Less consisting of bread, which is not good for me at all.
I told Kitt. But he was racing this weekend. And he didn't reply to my text for ages. So that wasnt good.
I went swimming with my sister and her boyfriend today. Did about 10 lengths. It's not much, but I mainly went just to have fun. They're pretty cool people, and I wanted to relax from thinking about the mock exams I'm meant to be revising for.
I bought some shorts. They're very short. And 2 tee shirts. They're very nice, but would look better on someone else.
It's an odd experience, binge eating. For me, I am completely aware of what I'm doing. I'm constantly telling myself that I'm going to regret this. I have flashes of images of people like Scarlett Johansson and Beyonce in bikinis, the people I want to look like. I think of all my flab. I have a small voice reserved for the occasion in my head saying all the terrible things that will happen, warning me, but I just continue. I'm not happy when I'm doing it, or after. In fact it only makes me depressed. So I've no idea why I do it. But I do.