I told Becca what was happening today. She had guessed that wasn't eating right, but she didn't want to mention it. She said maybe I should have an eating plan.
So, I made one. Snacking includes: Nuts, like cashews or peanuts, yoghurts, celery and cucumber, and fruits like apples and bananas. Lunch includes sandwiches, with egg and cress, lettuce and ham, cucumber, chicken, mushrooms, and cereal bars and more fruit. Breakfast will be varying flavours of porridge. Is it sad that I'm exited?
I'm running with Kitt again. He got sad because I pushed him out of my life, so we're running 3 times a week at 6:15pm which is when he heads over to our house anyway. But not tonight, because I just ran 2km on the cross trainer.
I think.... Hesitantly, I feel happier about today. Today was an okay day. I also told mum about my problem, so that he could buy me food. But I don't think anyone but Kitt knows the whole thing. And myself, obviously. And I guess Jesus. But I haven't talked to him in a while.
Kitt said that I should try and bring music back more into my life, because it made me so happy, and I don't play as much anymore. I tried, and I started writing a song, which was okay but it wasn't great. It still feels good to sing again though.
But, what's the point of doing something, striving for the dream of being a singer, when it is NEVER going to happen? I am too fat, I am not good enough at singing, I am not good enough at guitar or piano, I'm just not good enough to be a singer. So what's the point.