six

When I was in year 8 or 9, I used to wake up at 6:15 every morning, run about half a mile, come home, take a shower and get ready for school. I kept at it for a while, but I saw no change in myself and I stopped because I had no motivation.

Then, when I started running with Kitt, it was great. He kept saying how I looked more toned, how I was getting faster. But now I don't run with him.

I got angry with him for always quitting on me, to say that we'd run and then something would come up. And I told him to force me to run even when I didn't want to, because I knew I wanted to really, but he listened to all my excuses. I told him last night that quitting on me f*cked me up more. The he said he'd let me run on my own. I said that wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted was for him to commit to what he could do, rather than saying he could do more to make me happy. What I wanted was for him to force me, FORCE me to go with him becuase otherwise I wouldn't and I wanted him to act like he gave half a sh*t that this was so important to me. Or else he should just get the f*ck away from me.

So he says that tommorow, which is now today, we would go. at 12. And when I was late he texted me and told me to hurry up and get here. Then we ran up this hill twice, and I though this was good. This was what I wanted. Then as we walked back down to go home, he said that my text had infuriated him. Because his work would always take presidence over me. He said he could only commit completely to going with me once a week. 

No that's absolute sh*t to me. He comes over here, to my house, to have supper with us every day and he stays for 3-4 hours. On Sundays, he stays from like 12 till 6pm. So this is all bullsh*t. He should just take out time from them and come running with me.

And I don't think he realises just how important running is to me. If I feel fat, I don't eat, my grades go down, my coursework becomes gibberish, I feel awful all the time and I can't even concentrate on my friends. And if I say I'm going running and I don't, that's even worse because I start eating massive amounts to calm myself down. That is f*cked up, and it doesn't make any sense, but that's how my world works.

So I told him to stop running with me. And for me, that means get the f*ck out my life because I cannot deal with having you in it anymore. I cannot deal with spending so much time with someone who I thought cared about me and this massive problem I have when he now so obviously doesn't. I won't text him. I won't run with him. I will barely talk to him. I will not be his friend anymore, because that is easier for me than pretending to be okay with not running with him anymore. It's not okay. I'm not okay.

The End

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