five

I think there's something here, now, in life, that people don't realise.

There are a lot of beautiful, curvy people. And they have flat stomachs. And there are a lot of beautiful, curvy people that don't. And there are a lot of beautiful people with no other way to describe them than fat. And maybe some skinny people look up to them, for being so happy with the way they are. But, my friends all think I am the most confident, body loving individual. If I ever showed them this I think they'd cry. 

Because I go to the changing rooms and I don't look like I have a care in the world, even though as I take off my shirt I am mentally thinking don't look at me don't look at me don't comment don't call me fat...

Even though these are my best friends. My very best friends, that I know would never call me fat; they think I'm beautiful. They think I'm happy.

I'm not as fat as some people. Maybe now you think I'm Adele-sized (who by the way is beautiful - I wish more pop-stars looked like her) but I'm not. I'm UK size 14, which is the size below average. American dress size 12, European 42. I have pretty good breasts, 38C, almost D (almost...*sigh*), I have pretty good legs, they've got a good shape and are quite long. But I don't have a thigh-gap, or a flat stomach, or visible hip-bones. The other day I tries to feel my abs. I couldn't find them; there was like 2 inches of flab in the way. I have stretch-marks on my arms. And legs. And huge bright red ones on my stomach. My cousin Hennie used to think I cut myself. 

So now you know everything of me. I'm not fat. I'm not chubby. I'm not thin. I'm most certainly not skinny. I've got a fat belly, chubby legs, chunky arms, and a round face. Maybe you should also know I have glasses. I like them; they make my face look thinner. I've also got quite long brown hair, reaches down to my elbow. I like it. Once this boy I liked for a while said that I looked like Katniss Everdeen with it in a plait. That was one of the best compliments I've ever got.

I've set myself a challenge. For this summer. I'm going on holiday to France or Cornwall, and I am going to wear a bikini. Maybe I'll wear a t-shirt over it, maybe a sarong, but I will wear it. People will see almost all of me.

I don't know why this is so important. I guess, I just think... I never judge anyone on how they look weight-wise. I don't care if you're skinny or fat. And now I guess I have to prove to myself that other people are the same way. And if they aren't, I will punch them in the face, glare at them, or give them a verbal compilation of the ways in which every ounce of their self-worth is negligable, because I am not a stick and I am happy and they are a stick and they still need to put me down to feel good about themselves. 

But hopefully there won't be anyone looking me up and down and judging me, or calling me a fat b*tch, or une fille grosse. Definitely I hope it's not une fille grosse, because I don't know how to say Your every ounce of self-worth is negligible due to the fact that I am fat and I am happy and you are thin but you still feel the need to make me feel bad to make yourself feel good in French.

Because hopefully, come August, I will be happy.

The End

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