Silent Battle

This was a little psychological experiment I conducted on myself to see how writing about my binge eating would affect it, if it had any effect at all.

This is not for you. This is for me. This is my story, and it's my life. Dont be the judge of it, I won't allow you.

I'm in a bad place right now. I feel fat, I feel ugly, I feel useless, I feel unhappy. And I don't really know where it began. For a long time, I felt fat, but there were times when I felt thin, and most of the time, I though hey, who cares? Who's place is it to judge me?

But then, something changed. I started to eat less, way less, excersize rediculously, and do all this other stuff to stop from being such a fat girl. And no-one noticed. 

Because, in my house, losing weight was always celebrated. Always. Because we all, felt, fat.

This was about halfway through year 8. The general idea was I'd wake up at 6:15, run for half an hour, have a shower, and be done with all that by 7. For about 3 months I did this, and nothing happened. Nada. At this time my friends and I were going through a rough patch... and by that I mean they all hated me. It made feeling good about myself more difficult. 

Then in Year 9 my friends were my friends again, as well as some awesome new ones. That was when my cousin Kitt, from America, started living with my grandma down the road and he'd come over for meals every night. Noone really talked to him except me, cos I wasn't busy in any way, shape or form. We got quite close over the year, and then in year 10 I got really bad. 

First I stopped eating in school. This meant I didn't have any lunch, which isn't so bad. I sometimes felt a bit faint during the day but it was okay. I started going running with Kitt because I'd decided that next year I wanted to do the race for life and maybe even our school's 8-mile sponsored walk. Perhaps I should state now that the image of me you have in your head is wrong. Because I have had eating disorders you probably think I'm some stick thin girl with the wrong idea in her head. I'm not. I weigh 14 stone. I am 5ft7" and when I run my belly jiggles. I know exactly who I am and what I look like.

So, back to me at the start of year 10. Well, I was running with Kitt, I wasn't eating lunch, but I felt better about myself. That probably had something to do with going up to a c-cup. Then I stopped eating except supper. I'd not eat anything else but supper for days, and when I had dinner it was very little, which made me feel faint at school and contributed to my dropping grades. This would go on for about 5 days until I had a binge, which was huge and mainly consisting of bread, then I'd feel unimaginably awful about myself. But I could never throw it back up. That was one length too far.

My friends are always talking about how new people I meet think I'm so confident. I'm more stable now, I eat lunch at school, and breakfast. I'm still running. But I'm not confident. I hate myself and my battle isn't over. The worst part is I know exactly who's helped and that's Kitt. But now he doesn't help me anymore. He's got his own stuff to deal with and that's fine but I'm mute now. I can't talk to people about my problems, I don't know why I just can't. Back then I could talk to him and that was great but now he's left me to this stupid silent battle I can't fight on my own.

And the worst part is I'm so bad at telling people my problems I can't even tell him that. 

The End

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