written in a state of daydreaming euphoria...
You said, "Sometimes it gets lonely here...".
For me too, ive been lonely for too long, so long, it's like trying to remember when your last baby tooth fell out, it's blurry and hazy, like the horizon on a really hot day, but you keep on walking, like a wanderer, a stranger in a strange land, estranged from reality, never really around long enough to get familiar with anything. Always looking for the next big, exciting, "coming attraction". You were watching a matinee by yourself at 6, or with your favorite, imaginary friend, who we will refer to as "mr H" or "misses R"... Taking advantage of the buy 10, get 1 free deal, which we've been told as always, is such a good deal.
Spending is saving...more is better. Bigger is better. 10:58 PM, i ate animal flesh.
i hate myself right now, i leave the place, and walk to where? It doesn't matter, 'cause i don't care...
Bright and shiny new coats of paint over an ever increasing, chafed, nicked, used up and worn down surface, repackaged and streamlined for the masses... There's something for everyone here, and it will only cost you... 11:00 PM
i ramble on to myself, if only in my mind. And everything's become such a waste of time, but fun somehow.
i wish i had a gun...
Shoplifters, they dont really exist anymore.
Rebels? They are a dying breed.
Outcasts aplenty, this is the land of lowered expectations.
Fall in line, be this or that, or get trampled on the way out of the shopping mall, car exit to the highway that never ends, and while you're waiting, the sun is baking you. The music helps, and i daydream of getting not to the bus stop, but to happiness, yeah, that's what i want...
You can keep the rest of it, it's ok i dont want it. Just to smile and know that i like this, yeah, and i will never let it go... 11:11
Day seven of my trial, i can do this, like i've done many times before. I'm always hungry, but a friend told me after 2 months, that it would pass.
i can do ten days. 10 days is what i can do.
i can do more... 11:15
They say no one is a harsher judge of you than yourself and i highly believe that.
Objectively, and at the time of physical transposition, i can't imagine how harsh i am to be on myself.
i made ALOT of really big bad mistakes, some on purpose, others not, but not always purposely.
It is not going to be pretty, what i would do to myself.
For a time i hated myself.
What transpires, being objective, i believe will transpose hate, and become something far more worse.
It will be justified. Justice will cleanse me... 11:22
i can't find the door, though i know that i've been here before.
it's dark, so black and i can't see a thing.
Don't you feed me.
Don't you give me no animal's flesh, you hear?
No, no, no. i said don't you serve me no animal flesh, i can't do this anymore...
Somewhere in the dark, in the distance, in the cool, starlit night, an animal is being slaughtered.
They'll feed it to the kids, like they feed it to me, with smiling faces, and everthing's ok...
Somewhere in the dark, by the side of an empty, nameless highway, bi-way or four-way stop, i stop, just to throw up. Gawd, fuck... 11:45