School is a very difficult place to be. I have been very unhappy there. People believe that I choose not to talk and that I'm shy. I've tried to tell people by communicating via e-mail that I do not choose but I'm not even sure if they've listened to me. After all, the people I've e-mailed about it are adults and probably think they know exactly what they're talking about but the fact is they're not me. At home when I'm talking to my brother and sisters and I feel comfortable I am a very chatty person and I so want others to see that side of me!
I don't blame the school at all for finding it hard to find a way to help me because it's nobody's fault that I'm quiet. Not mine, not the school's, not anybody's. At my last primary school I was already unhappy and struggling because of my anxiety and silence and friendships already had fallen apart. I think I would still be the way I am in any other school I went to. The difference compared to the school I got to now and my primary school that I went to is that in my primary school I was bullied by a group of boys and I got called names because of my hair colour and once the people that I thought were my friends turned on me and hurt me. Nobody really tried to help me. I was never able to let any of those things go. However, at my school that I go to now I have never been bullied or called names and there are lots of nice people in the school. There are people that know me maybe better than others but everybody is nice and I like that.
Last year I went to a place called the Berkshire Adolescent Unit. The reason I went there was because school was difficult and my unhappiness had got worse. Although I agreed to go at first, I decided that I really didn't want to go and I kicked up a fuss. However, people persuaded me that it would help so I went anyway and I contined to go every Tuesday and Thursday from 9:00am to 3:00pm. I hated it. Eventually I lost contact and communication with a lot of people because they had made me go, and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't feel able to talk to anybody anymore. They had dumped me and ran away. I had some good days at the Adolescent Unit when I thought things were looking better, but then the bad days were terrible. Now I had to suffer in two places: school and the Adolescent Unit. After a few months I finally found somebody that I could talk to about things and she would listen to me. Although she wasn't anybody from the Adolescent Unit it helped to have somebody who would listen to me properly. It felt so good that somebody cared that I was unhappy and wasn't completely dependant on the Adolescent Unit. A few months later, I started talking a little bit at the Unit. There was a catch though. I felt that I was forcing my voice out and pushing myself to talk when I wasn't comfortable with the idea. I wanted people to say that they were proud of me, but so many people didn't. It meant that after a few weeks or something I stopped talking again because I couldn't carry on with it. A few months after that - June/July I think, the Adolescent Unit told me I was leaving. I really went into self destruct mode then. I felt confused and upset and basically all mixed up. When I told someone that I didn't feel ready to leave people tried to change the decision but they couldn't. I didn't have any choice but to leave. It was so hard, but in a way I think that I'm better off not having to go there anymore because it made me feel so bad.
Now that I've been back at school for full weeks again since September it's felt so hard and I've felt so lonely and unhappy and distressed. But I fight as hard as I can still and I always go in to school whenever I'm meant to - nobody's forcing me to, but I'm not going to just let it win.