VIII . VIII . XII
Humanity has always had an interest in fire. I find it fascinating myself. That ephemeral dance of flame, always the same but always changing. I guess our interest in it is perhaps because subconsciously we relate to it.
There is a saying that says 'people never change'. I've often wondered how true this is - it's hard to determine this in other people so often the only frame of reference you have is yourself.
Please excuse my tenuous metaphors.
So my year began in Portsmouth UK, and at a month in, it was clear this wasn't working for me. I lived in Portsmouth for nearly two years, I completed my Masters there, I worked in three places and although I'm finding it infinitely harder to assure myself that I made friends there, the company there was intermittently pleasant.
There were various reasons I decided my time in Portsmouth had come to an end. One of the more prominent being that I'd let my ambitions drift away. Depression had come to a forefront and the candle was barely smouldering, let alone dancing that vibrant dance.
A performance group I was involved with in Portsmouth brought me back to acting. After a couple of years out, sufficed to say I was more than a little rusty. The one thing I've always prided myself on is my acting and the return for me was invigorating but also shattering. My performance was weak and it made me realise what I'd lost. It'd would take a lot of hard work to get it back.
It was a hard decision to leave Portsmouth but there was nothing there for me to pursue the things I'd always wanted. Moving closer to London brought my ambition back into view and I was able to rekindle that flame.
Now that I'm in London six to seven days of my week I feel that I am edging closer slowly - my work definitely slows me down rather than assists me like I'd want it to.
But this brings me back to the question, have I changed? I think I'm closer to being the person I originally was. Portsmouth changed me - I was introverted and pressured into things that weren't part of who I am. If I looked at that flame then, in February this year, well it was almost finished, the candle had nearly sizzled out. Now I'm burning at both ends, shining the way I feel I was designed to. So to answer the question? I'm not sure. I am not who I was at the start of the year, but I am who I was originally, so you tell me, did I change?
Do you think you've changed?