"Good night sweet prince, and a flight of angels sing thee to thy rest."
These were some of the first words that came to mind when I learned that my mum had just died around four this morning from terminal stage lung cancer. It happened fast, she went for a routine check and by the end of the next day she died.
When ever faced with grief, a lot of people have different reactions, to protect themselves and try to compensate. People in the abrahamic faith will see each others in paradise, in western religions the lost one is merely back into the wheel of Samsara.
But Atheists like me don't have that comfort, with the death of the brain, the Ego dissolve into nothingness and it all ends; no pearly gates or postmortem reunions will ever occur.
Some Atheists struggle and sometimes go back to the reassuring feelings from the faith they originally held, but I was never a believer, the idea of god or another life never held much ground for me.
Yet I still find myself holding onto things; I have my books, my characters, my quotes and my occult studies. They form an amalgam to defend against the grief, after all, the Nigredo is the first step of alchemy, where everything must turn to shit before being remade into gold. The night is always precursor to the dawn, isn't it?
As I write this post, I can't stop looking at the gold earrings and diamond stud that are on my desk. As she weaved and bobbed between consciousness and waking dreams from the morphine, she asked one thing; She wanted her earrings removed and she gave them to me instead of my sister, a reminder that even as she could barely string sentences together, she still loved me and accepted me even as I decided to pursue transition.
This is how it often ends, not with a bang, but a whimper, not with overwhelming pain but overbearing numbness, with me telling myself I'd rather hurt than feel nothing...
In 08' she received five years and a month exactly of remission, and that's what I want to hold onto; that she should have died five years ago but we were lucky (some would say blessed) to have received this much time.
There's no real ending to this, I just needed to rant and ramble, channel the pain and numbness...
I love you mum... I'll miss you...