The light blinks on, off and on again. I lay on my back and stare trying to follow, to repeat again and again off, on and off again. I loose myself in the rhythm, it seems that I’ve been doing this more and more often. In fact, most of what I do know is to turn off the constant nagging in my head. I read, spend the day watching TV, stalk youtube and facebook hoping for something new. But I can never escape for too long. My brain catches up and berates me for wasting my day when I have so much happening, when there is so much I need to get done.
I try to wean off all these distractions to let my mind wander and feel alive and imaginative again. To feel sane. It feels wrong to keep this magnificent machine we all harbor, one that no computer or smartphone can compare to, locked up in a cage. But yet we do it, because thinking is hard and it’s easier to get caught up in our busy, busy lives and forget about everything. We make routines for ourselves. Wake up, brush teeth, eat cereal, so on and so forth for months and months. It feels like you’ve lived almost the same day over and over again.
We do this and scoff at those who choose to break free, the deviants. They’re a mess, we say. They’ll never go anywhere in life. And why? Because they want to spend their lives thinking and feeling rather than being stuck? I wish I had the courage to be a deviant.
I constantly feel the night calling my name from the safety of my room, stirring something deep within clawing to come out. I long to reach out, leave my shielding coat and feel the frigid wind blow across my body, unconfined. My skin gleaming in the moonlight, free.
But I cannot, I am in a cage. I stay in my room in the dark willing my mind to stay quite as I follow the path. The path I have been told time and time again not to follow, the well-trodden path. But I cannot leave, there are barbed wires filled with judgment, of disapproval. And that keeps me in, unwilling to cut myself for the prize of freedom.