Screw up.Mature

Just need to get this out before it consumes my mind.

Right now, right here for the past week i have been feeling like a complete screw up. I just dont seem to be able to get my head together. I seem off...and to much floating around.

Guess its all come flooding in this weekend, had a good CBT session. Got my head around a few things i need to do. Not done them yet as i have not had a chance to do them.

The relaxation i was taught has been a great help, but seems to off opened up a whole load of stuff i need to deal with, talk to some about but not being able to do so due to...these thoughts.

I feel like I'm a screw up. I'am a screw up. Getting close to my last chance at work, and just tonight found out I've done a bigger screw up. Forgot to send a form off, and since i have the appointment on Wednesday dont think i have the time to send it off. Re-reading the letter says that if havent received it then the appointment may not happen. Means my last chance with work is quickly going down the drain because of...well me.

Can only hope i can salvage it tomorrow.

But also a question was asked and it hasnt stop rattling in my head since...and that was a long time ago. "What do people see in you". And i know it can be a selfish thing, but i couldnt answer it. And i still cant, and i feel like im always looking at those left around me wondering "why, why do you put up with me or even like me" cause you know i Don't even like me much.

I just wish i could flip a switch and be -me- again but the scary thing is i don't know who -me- is right now.

And i wish i could wake up in the morning and not have alittle melt down, or have to throw up, or stop these headaches.

Wish i could paint without feeling like its all crap. Just wish...i could be happy and smile more instead of having that feeling of doom when i do that its all going to go wrong.

And most of all, wish that i could actually tell those close to me this and stop hitting them with my insecurity, neurotic, annoying down behaviour when they deserve so much more then me.

The End

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