This a soap opera based on Harry Potter
Woeful Wizards Philosopher’s Stone Episode 3
Harry and the gang are all at Hagrids Hut. They are having tea. Hagrid is drinking with his pinkie stuck up.
Hagrid: So, are any of you going to try out for Quidditch?
Harry: (s) What’s that?
Ron: (s)(gasps) You don’t know what Quidditch is?
Harry: (s) No.
Ron looks shocked. Hermione looks normal. Hagrid takes a sip of tea.
Hagrid: Quidditch is really quite simple. I’ll just quickly go over the basic rules.
Sign saying “One Hour Later” Hagrid has a whiteboard with complicated squiggles on it
Hagrid: …so that’s formations for you and if we move onto…
Harry: (s) Are you going to try out for Quidditch Ron?
Ron: No. (s) It’s really hard to get into.
Harry: I’m sure you could if you tried (s) best friend
Harry and Ron gaze into each others eyes.
Hermione: I’m going to the library.
Crabbe and Goyle are sitting in the Slytherin dorms doing their homework
Crabbe: What is it with you and Malfoy?
Goyle: Why do you ask?
Crabbe: Because (s) you said he wouldn’t come between us (s away) but he has.
Goyle: (moves closer and puts his hand on Crabbe’s should) I just think it would be great if we all could be friends.
Crabbe: (looks at hand and then into Goyle’s eyes) …okay
Crabbe and Goyle stare into each other’s eyes. Malfoy enters
Malfoy: I’ve just returned from the library.
All first years are lined up at some sort of field, holding brooms. Harry and his gang are talking
Hermione: Who is that?
Neville enters, preferably wearing skinny jeans, smoking a cigarette and just generally looking like the BAMF he is
Ron: (s) I… I don’t know.
Everyone watches Neville. Madam Hooch walks in
Hooch: Right, now everyone… is that a cigarette Neville?
Hooch: Put it out.
Neville does so, but sullenly
Hooch: Now, let’s start with the most important bit…
Hogwarts student rushes in
Hogwarts Student: Miss, you have to come.
Hooch: I’m in the middle of class
Hogwarts Student: But Miss, (s) you must.
Hooch: Okay. Right, even though you all have brooms and when you start riding it will probably be the best sensation you have ever felt in your young lives and will fix all of your problems, don’t ride your brooms until I come back.
Silence. Hooch and Hogwarts Student leave. Malfoy and gang walk up to Neville, who has continued smoking.
Malfoy: Alright there, Longbottom?
Neville ignores Malfoy
Malfoy: You’re looking funny, Longbottom.
Malfoy: Probably because you’re a bottom.
Goyle pisses himself. Crabbe tries to smile. Neville continues to smoke.
Malfoy: What’s this you’ve got?
Malfoy reaches and grabs Neville’s wallet
Malfoy: (waving it in front of Neville’s face) Want it back? Not so tough now are we Longbottom?
Neville: Do I look like I give a fuck?
Harry and gang step forward.
Harry: (s) Leave him alone Malfoy!
Malfoy: (s) Make me Potter!
Harry lunges at Malfoy, who steps back.
Malfoy: Come and get it, Potter!
Malfoy grabs a broom and “flies” away
Goyle: (s) Be careful Malfoy!
Harry swivels towards Hermione and Ron
Harry: I am facing a moral dilemma. (s) Ron, (s) Hermione, what should I do?
Hermione: I know! (s) Let’s ask Neville
Everyone swivels to Neville
Neville: I really could not care less.
Harry: (s) Then it’s settled. I shall defend you honour Neville and rescue your prized possession from my archenemy Malfoy, who I have loathed since the moment that we first-
Ron: (s) Harry! Malfoy’s gone.
Silence. Everyone is looking at their shoes.
Harry: (s) I shall find you now, you fiend!
Harry hops onto a broom and “flies” to Malfoy.
Harry: (s) If you give it back, I’ll be your friend
Harry: (s) No. Not after the way I saw you treat Neville
Neville: (offstage) I still do not care.
Malfoy: (s) You coming or not, Potter?
Chase scene ensues. Harry gets the wallet and Harry goes back to crowd, looking cocky.
Ron: Sweet as flying, Harry!
Hermione: (s) Oh Harry, that was glitter-tastic.
Hooch and McGonagall enter
Hooch: That was very irresponsible. Potter and Malfoy, you both have detention on Friday.
McGonagall: Oh, and Harry, that was good flying. So you’re on the Gryffindor Quidditch team.
Malfoy: (s) What about me?
McGonagall: Your technique’s a little shabby. Better luck next year.
Malfoy looks enraged. Goyle looks shocked on Malfoy’s behalf. Crabbe is staring at Goyle.
Malfoy: (s) My father will hear about this!
Malfoy and gang stalk off.
Ron: Way to go, Harry! (s) I told you you could make the Quidditch team.
Harry: (s) I couldn’t have done it without your belief in me Ron.
Harry and Ron stare into each others eyes.
Harry and gang are walking down the corridor. They stop outside “Room 666”
Harry: What’s this room for?
Harry and Ron look at Hermione
Hermione: I… I don’t know (s)
Harry and Ron gasp.
Harry: (s) We must find out.
Ron reaches for door handle. Snape comes around the corner.
Snape: Get away from there.
Harry: (defiant s) Why should I?
Snape: I have not the time to teach you to read (points to sign saying “Do not enter”). Just leave, will you?
Harry and gang leave.
Snape: I hate those little shits.
Quirrell comes around the corner, sees Snape and freezes.
Snape: What are you doing here, Quirrell?
Quirrell: … nothing.
In the Forbidden Forest. Harry, Malfoy and Filch are walking.
Filch: (in strong accent) So, youse gonna haf to do some cleanin’
Harry: (s) WHAT?!
Filch: Sorree, froag in me froet. (Coughs)(In perfect English) Now, in order to receive a completion for your detention you must each pick up twenty sticks.
Malfoy: (s) Why?
Filch: Just do it.
Malfoy: Well, I guess we best get started
Harry: (s) (pause) …yes.
Harry and Malfoy set off. Dramatic music.
Hermione and Ron are sitting at the Gryffindor common room.
Ron: So, how do you reckon Harry’s going?
Hermione: (s) Why can’t we talk about something other than Harry?
Ron: (shocked) How dare you say such blasphemy!
Hermione and Ron stare at each other for a long time, but then look down. Dramatic music.
In the Forbidden Forest. Draco and Harry are walking, collecting sticks.
Harry: (s) What’s that?
Harry points to the ground. There is glitter everywhere.
Draco: (s) I don’t know
Harry: (s) Let’s find out!
Harry goes ahead.
Draco: (high-pitched) Let’s find out!
Draco runs after Harry.
Harry: I think it’s coming from over there.
Harry points to where the glitter is “gushing” (just throw it) out. Harry and Draco run over and there is a hooded figure bent over a unicorn.
Draco: (s) I think I’m going to be sick
Draco runs off
Harry: (freezes mid-swivel) I’m frozen!
The hooded figure stands up and notices Harry for the first time. It starts walking towards him
Harry: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FIEND.
The HF stops.
HF: Fuck you.
HF prances away. Harry leaps to the unicorn and falls to his knees.
Harry: (eyes closed and arms upraised) NO!!
At the Quidditch match. The Gryffindor team are all sitting nervously.
Wood: Now, Harry you’ve got nothing to worry about.
Harry: (s) Really?
Wood: Yes. (s) Just… trust your instincts. I know I do.
Harry and Wood stare into each others eyes, but Harry suddenly breaks away.
Harry: (s) No, this isn’t right.
Harry: Ron is my best friend. I can’t cheat on him with you.
Wood: (s) But… wait. What?
McGonagall: (off-screen) The match is about to start. Gryffindor and Slytherin, take your places.
Gryffindor team walk out, take places and start to “fly”.
Hooch: (Takes balls out of basket thing) And start.
Wood: Remember what I said Harry!
Harry: (s) Wha-
Harry’s mouth opens so wide Snitch pops in.
Lee: (microphone) Gryffindor wins!
Harry: (spits out snitch into hands, coughs and then swivels) This is the happiest day of my life! (falls to ground) I AM SO HAPPY.
Everyone goes nuts. Ron and Hermione run up to Harry.
Ron: I told you you could do it!
Harry: (s) And it was your belief that kept me going, Ron.
Harry and Ron stare into each other’s eyes.
Hermione: Yeah, well done Harry.
Ron: (s) Wait, what’s Snape doing?
Snape enters, horribly mauled with very obvious bite marks.
Harry: (s) Where have you been, Professor?
Snape: My girlfriend broke up with me.
Snape begins to leave, then randomly starts to limp.
Harry: (s) He’s up to something, and we’re going to find out.
Harry and gang run off and follow Snape. Quirrell appears out of nowhere.
Snape: I’ve been inside Room 666.
Quirrell: Yeah me too- I mean that is forbidden.
Snape: I know. And I know that you know about what you’re not meant to know about.
Quirrell: I know nothing about Nicolas Flamel... shit.
They look at each other. Snape and Quirrell leave.
Harry: (s) I wonder who Nicolas Flamel is.
Ron: (s) And Snape didn’t get those bites from his girlfriend. They look like they were made by a giant, several headed beast of some sort.
Hermione: (s) TO THE LIBRARY
Hermione runs off.
Ron: (s) It’s just me and you Harry.
Harry: (s) Yes.
Ron: Wanna have a midnight feast?
Harry: I would like that.
Harry and Ron start eating, without looking away from each other’s eyes or blinking.
END OF EPISODE 3