This is a soap opera based on Harry Potter
Woeful Wizards Philosopher’s Stone Episode 4
Harry and the gang are in the library. Hermione is reading, Ron and Harry are playing chess.
Harry: (s) You win again, Ron.
Ron: (s) And it was because you believed in me, Harry.
Harry and Ron stare into each others eyes.
Hermione: (s) You guys aren’t helping.
Ron: (s) It’s only because you research things so beautifully.
Ron and Hermione have a moment.
Harry: Anyone want a Chocolate Frog?
Ron: (s) … Okay.
Harry: Open wide.
Harry feeds Ron the chocolate frog.
Harry: (s) I know who Nicolas Flamel is!
Hermione: (s) Who?
Harry: (s) Here!
Harry holds up info card that says: “Nicolas Flamel invented the top secret Philosopher’s Stone, which grants immortality and changes all metals into gold (visit our website to make your own!). It is currently in Room 666 at Hogwarts, but you don’t know that”
Hermione: (s) All that time reading books when I should’ve been reading trading cards!
Ron: (s) Lesson learned.
Harry: (s) Let’s go before Snape finds out.
Harry and the gang leave. Snape enters and picks up trading card.
Malfoy and Goyle are sitting Slytherin dormitory.
Malfoy: Crabbe’s a little weird, don’t you think?
Goyle: (s) What do you mean?
Malfoy: (s away) He doesn’t love me.
Goyle: (s) I love you. It doesn’t matter what Crabbe thinks.
Malfoy: (s) Then don’t hang out with him
Goyle looks shocked.
Malfoy: (s) You have to choose. It’s me (s) or him.
Goyle makes several dramatic poses then looks at the camera. Dramatic music. Crabbe walks in.
Crabbe: What’s going on guys?
Harry and the gang are standing outside of Room 666
Harry: Here we go guys.
Hermione: (s) Wait.
Ron and Harry freeze
Hermione: I can’t help but think that this is going to be the first of many adventures together and I feel we should commemorate that somehow.
Harry and Ron stare blankly at Hermione.
Hermione: Group hug everyone.
Harry and the gang have an overly long hug sequence with soppy music (maybe the theme from Robot Unicorn Attack?)
Ron: (s) Now it’s-
Harry: (s) EXCUSE ME RON I AM THE LEADER HERE.
Ron: (s) … yes.
Harry: (s) Now it’s time everyone.
Harry and gang open the door and step through. Dramatic music.
Malfoy and gang in Slytherin dormitories.
Malfoy: (s) Tell him Goyle.
Goyle: (s away) I can’t.
Crabbe: (s) Tell me what?
Malfoy: (stands up) Goyle doesn’t want to be friends with you anymore.
Crabbe: (s) You put him up to this didn’t you Malfoy.
Goyle: I… I didn’t do anything.
Malfoy: (s) So what if I did?
Crabbe: (s) It would prove my opinion of you.
Malfoy; (s) And what opinion is that?
Crabbe: That you’re a… (ULTIMATE SWIVEL) FRIENDSHIP RUINER.
Dramatic music. Malfoy looks angry. Goyle is shocked
Harry and the gang are in Room 666
Harry: (s) Our enemy awaits us. (s) I can feel it.
Harry: (s) It’s horrible!
Fluffy approaches Harry and gang.
Hermione: (s) We’re all going to die!
Ron cellphone rings. The tune is “Baby” by Justin Bieber.
Ron: Hang on, it’s my mother.
Hermione: (s) Ron, don’t! Look at Fluffy.
Fluffy is dancing, inexplicably, to Justin Bieber.
Harry: (s and points) There’s the door!
Hermione: (s) Ron, quickly, throw the devil music at the brute!
Ron throws his cellphone at Fluffy. Fluffy dances over to the phone.
Harry: (s) Now we shall run over to the door
They run over to the door and exit it.
At the Slytherin dormitories
Malfoy: You have something against me, Crabbe?
Crabbe: (s) Yes. I have a problem with you stealing my friend.
Malfoy: (s) Maybe YOU stole MY friend.
Crabbe: (s) Maybe he left you for me.
Malfoy: (s) So what if he did?
Crabbe: (s) Then he likes me better.
Goyle: I like both of you as much!
Malfoy and Crabbe: (s) But I love you!
Malfoy and Goyle stare into each other’s eyes. Soppy music.
Harry and gang are standing in a room with a chess set in the middle.
Ron: (s) It’s wizard chess!
Hermione: (s) How can you tell?
Ron: (s) Because they can talk.
Close up on a King and a Bishop.
King: I daresay old chap, I hope I’m not killed.
Bishop: As long as I get a go at the Queen, I’m fine.
Returns to Harry and gang.
Ron: (s) We must play across.
Hermione: Or we could just step over it.
Harry: (s) We must do it now.
Harry and then Hermione step over it. Ron trips over it.
Ron: (spasm of pain) I am hurt!
Hermione: (s) RON!
Harry: (falls to floor, arms raised) NO!
Ron: You… must… go on… without me.
Harry: (s) … okay. Come on, Hermione.
Hermione: (s) No, Harry. I have to stay with Ron. Only you can go on.
Harry: But it’s just a door. I don’t think it’s magical or anything.
Hermione: (s) Just go, Harry. Don’t make it any harder than it is.
Harry: … okay.
Harry walks through door at other end of room. Dramatic music.
Sign saying “Meanwhile, at the Hufflepuff dormitories”
Hufflepuff students are all dancing.
Harry is in the room with the mirror of Eresid (Note: have forgotten actual name, but will fix up eventually) and Quirrell.
Harry: (s) Quirrell!
Quirrell: Oh, hello Harry.
Harry: (s) I trusted you Quirrell! Give me the Stone.
Quirrell: Yeah, the thing is, I can’t actually get it. It’s in the mirror.
Harry: (s) I’m not going to give it to you!
Voldemort: (unseen and in whiny voice) I wanna talk with him!
Quirrell turns around and reveals Voldemort.
Voldemort: I’ve been dying to meet you. Geddit?
Harry: (s) That’s not funny!
Voldemort: You have just made a lifelong enemy, Potter. I had to drink unicorn’s blood just to be here.
Harry: (gasp and s) It was you! You monster!
Voldemort: Just get the fucking stone.
Harry: (s) Fine then.
Harry goes to the mirror.
Harry: (“whispering”) Just give me the Stone and get this over with it.
Someone walks in and slips the stone into his pocket. Harry looks at pocket as soon as the person leaves the shot
Harry: (s) Wow!
Voldemort: He’s got it Quirrell! Quickly, restrain the eleven year old with all of your might!
Harry: (s) You’ll never catch me alive.
Quirrell chases Harry around the room for a little while. Harry trips, then looks back dramatically.
Snape: (offscreen) HOW DO I TURN THIS INFERNAL CONTRAPTION OFF?
Quirrell: Snape must be trying to switch off the Rebecca Black music I had playing.
Harry: (s) Die Quirrell!
Harry throws himself at Quirrell. Quirrell falls to the floor.
Quirrell: Well, I’m dead.
Harry: (s) I’m fainting!
Everything fades into black
In the Great Hall. Slytherin colours are hanging up. Students are chatting amongst selves
Ron: (s) How did you get out alive, Harry?
Harry: (s) It was your belief in me that kept me going.
Ron and Harry stare into each other’s eyes.
Hermione: That makes no sense!
Dumbledore struts in.
Dumbledore: (striking pose) Attention everyone.
Everyone goes quiet.
Dumbledore: As you all know, Slytherin has won the House Cup this year. (s) Or has it?
Dumbledore: (s) I have more points to give out, but I’m going to do it in the most dramatic way possible. (glides into spotlight) Through song. (starts to sing):
“Ronald Weasley wins Gryffindor fifty
Because with his feet he is not nifty
Another fifty comes from Hermione Granger
Who helped her husband-to-be from danger
But Harry Potter wins the most
Of Gryffindor he is the toast
He defeated Voldemort again
He defeated Voldemort again
He defeated Voldemort again
So Gryffindor gets fifty one”
Dumbledore: (s) What? Gryffindor wins? That certainly was unintentional.
Slytherin colours change to Gryffindor colours.
Malfoy: (s) I hate Potter!
Crabbe: I hate Potter too!
Malfoy and Crabbe stare into each others eyes.
Goyle: (s) It’s so awesome that we’re all friends.
To the Gryffindor table
Ron: (s) I’m going to miss you, Harry and Hermione.
Hermione: (s) Promise you’ll write
Harry: I will. After all, (s) tomorrow is another day
END OF EPISODE 4
END OF WOEFUL WIZARDS PHILOSOPHER’S STONE