I'm back again.
After winging it the first time I realised that winging it wasn't going to cut it to write down my entire life story. Somehow, putting words on a page isn't the same as regretting those moments for the rest of your life. Somehow, yeah.
I appreciate it when writers pour out their soul into a novel, I often do so myself: I wrote one that was about turning into an atheist and how I enjoyed that. I didn't. it wasn't fun. I lost a lot of friends, and partly my own mother, merely because I didn't believe the same things. But I made my decision. It was the first really big decision I made in my life and it was definitely the best one I have made so far.
Not because I like you, but because I want to follow my own adivce, I'm not going to even touch the surface beyond that point.
It seems like I do some of my best writing at about 3 in the morning. I don't know if this is raw guilt for being up, or just tiredness stripping away my morals, or whatever psychologists talk about. It seems that the writing you do that's most honest is the stuff you don't think about when writing it down. Hence my advice earlier. If you write when you're wide awake then you say things like "but I don't want my reader base to know about that part of me." Remember: your reader base is no one. Write what you like. Write what you feel, and what that made you feel.
Most importantly, write what is important to you. If it's not important, then don't talk about it as much. You should still talk about it, especially if you regret whatever it is, just not as much.
If you regret something that you really really wish you could take back; that you would literally bend the time-space continuum just to put right your wrong, then that's what you want to be focusing on. Not that petty argument that you had, but that massive thing that changed your life. Becoming an atheist, moving away from your social group that you were attached to, moving away from the people you love because of an addiction or some other matter.
These are the things that we hate to say to other people. And we hate to admit them to ourselves. Good thing you're not reading it then.
It takes real courage to write these things on paper, in text, or say them. If you can manage to say them, to someone else, then that is the way you should do it. Don't say it to yourself. That makes it worse. I know someone, in the kind of way you know someone famous, who spoke about his addiction on YouTube. The biggest video sharing site on the Internet, and he spoke (however reluctantly) about what had happened in his life, the biggest regret. That takes courage. That takes a special kind of courage, that maybe a lot of you don't have. Hence why I wrote the first one first: if you can write it on text to nobody, then you can take the next step, which is admitting it to yourself.
So you say you burned your paper? That's fine. Just ackowledge that you have made mistakes, and that those mistakes are irrepairable. As much as you'd like to, you cannot travel back in time and prevent yourself from doing something. They are in the past. They can never be changed. The present is now. Make it what it is. The present. The future is in the future, aspire not to make those mistakes, and don't make them. Bu the past you can't change, and that's a fact that I need to admit to myself.
So once you've written your 200-page beast from the Underworld, make sure it doesn't get on your freight train of thought, heading to the future.