Retaining Control

You know those moments that make you realise just how many sides there are to one person? Like when you're out with people and you're all smiles, and then the second you're alone, you fall into a depressive state of inertia. Maybe it doesn't happen to everyone, but it would be my guess.

Usually, I show only my calm exterior - though sometimes that can make me look arrogant, like I'm better at handling things than everyone else - but now that I'm alone, writing this, I can feel myself breaking.

I am so, so selfish.

12 months ago, I was a lone creature: aloof, shy, innocent and full of respect for everyone around me - even the cretins and the jerks. But a whole year has passed since then, and I've crawled out of that shy, innocent shell and into a new, shiny, "normal" shell, with no fear, a fair amount of sex and a great deal of confusion and remorse.

In case you and your brother have forgotten, my current relationship is still just about in tact. But with this new, difficult long-distance system, I've had to "fill the gaps". This is where you come in. It's probably quite clear from everyone else's perspective, but I don't have the faintest idea what love is, how to correctly respond to it, or how to control it. People say you cannot be in love with more than one person, but if that's the case then I might as well say I'm not in love with Jamie, or you, or Gage, or Ryan, or...or her. I don't understand. I don't understand what anything means anymore - this person my closest friends have told me I've become.

It's true what I wrote before - it would cause me pain if you were to give up waiting for me, if you were to come to me with news of a boyfriend, one that wasn't me. Yet I, being the selfish person I am, let my feelings for other people develop as they are developing for you.

What is it? Because I can't control these flutterings any more - they are provoked by more than one person and if I tell anyone about this no one will come near me, in fear of having their heart torn and scattered.
I love you.
I think I love you.
No, I think you love me and it's making me want you.
I can't let myself love you, but you know me - I have no self-control, no will-power.

This is getting overwhelming and I don't want to lose anyone by wanting them too much. Dear reader, please will you smash my head against the concrete when I hit rock bottom, just so that I know when to walk away and never look back?
And while you're at it, you can put my diary back under the barbeque.

The End

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