OCD or OCPD.. Me?

For so long as I can remember I have had certain things that have to be ordered properly, and if they're not, I feel disoriented until things are back in place; for example, my books have to be lined up properly, in the order I define. If one of my brothers picks one up then puts it back down in the same place, I have to move it to exactly the right place. If things are out of order, it makes me feel irritable and almost ill until I can rectify it. I have so much trouble letting someone else do things, and if I do give in, I generally re-do those things after the person. I obsessively clean my hands and under my nails  because if I don't it will nag me until I do. If I lay the dinner table, I have to get the place mats in exactly the right place.

If I am in a room, I have to be able to see the majority of the room, or it simply feels wrong. If I have to eat in the middle of the hall in school, I eat as quickly as possible so I can move or I sit at an angle on my chair. I hate sitting with people behind me in class, just in case they are saying something about me which I don't know about. I really don't like it if I have music on through earphones and I can't hear what's going on around me; I feel like I'm being talked about. Yes, I know, I am paranoid.

On the other side though, I sometimes have panic attacks which lead to hyperventilation; the smallest thing can start me crying and panicking, and then I can't stop, and I have to get clean. I feel dirty, even if I've just got out of the shower. I scrub my skin so hard that it is red and sore for a few days. I have to get clean, and I have trouble accepting that I am clean, because there's always something more on my skin that I can't get rid of; even if there is nothing to be seen, I feel I have to become clean.

I generally accept that this is who I am, but I scare myself sometimes with how much the smallest of things can affect me. The ordering, I can deal with it, accept it. The constant self-cleaning, it hurts.

The End

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