This playscript is a tragicomedy which begins with a comedy of errors and reveals something much more sinister around the themes of love, relationships and death.
BREE has been writing an essay for college. It’s for her A level in sociology. She puts down her pen on the table and looks up to see TERRYasleep. She knocks upon the table to try and wake him, to no avail.
BREE: Terrence Stone, get up!
TERRY: (Sleepily) Must you always shout Bree?
BREE: Terry, you're always asleep in front of that darn TV! I need you to listen to my essay.
TERRY: (Attempting to wake up, but is unsuccessful, he yawns, his speech is broken up and almost spoken in a whisper..)Listen to the essay yourself Bree.
BREE: Don't fall back to sleep again Terry, or I'll.........I'll...
TERRY: ...You'll let me sleep? Thanks Bree you're a doll, wake me never (starts snoring)...
BREE: Man, you never help me
(Shouting) Through the generations, being a househusband has become an ever more popular phenomenon. More females go out to work whilst their husbands pursue household chores, such as; cleaning, cooking and childcare...(Sarcastically)...However this does not ring true of the select few who sleep all day and night and do bollocks!
TERRY: (Momentarily waking) You can't write that!
BREE: It's my essay Terry, I can write what I please.
TERRY: You'll lose marks.
BREE: It's worth it...anyway why do you care what I've written all of a sudden?
TERRY: I was...listening, like you asked me to.
BREE: This has absolutely nothing to with my emasculating your nature? (He starts snoring again)..nah of course it doesn't...
CAROL: Still sleeping is he?
BREE: (Sweetly through gritted teeth) Wouldn't have it any other way.
CAROL: How you put up with him I'll never understand.
BREE: I put it down to charm, he posseses it so strongly...and his looks, he's so handsome.
CAROL: He doesn't deserve you Bree.
BREE: You mean, I don't deserve him.
CAROL: Look darling, I can see you're unhappy, I'm your mother for God's sake...he's like your father...
ENTERMALCOLM;Bree's step father
BREE: (Spoken asMALCOLMwalks in, she doesn't see him enter) Step father!
MALCOLM: Somebody call?
CAROL: Yes Malcolm, I called for the taxi a half hour ago my dear, it'll be here with plenty of space for your luggage...
MALCOLM: A half hour ago you say?
MALCOLM: I don't need it for at least another two hours, didn't I tell you?
CAROL: Well if you had, I’d have booked the taxi for later wouldn't I!?
MALCOLM: Okay, no need to shout love, we can just tell the driver to turn up later. Quickly now before he gets here.
CAROL: I'll go, see who it is.
MALCOLM: (ToBREE)Terrence asleep?
BREE: No...That’s his twin brother Dick! (Pause) Want to know his surname? It's...Head.
MALCOLM: Certainly have a sense of humour, much like your mother.
BREE: I'm glad you think so.
MALCOLM: Got anything planned for today?
BREE: Once the yawning man here has woken, we plan on going into town to get him a suit.
TERRY: (Waking) No we don't, I'm wearing my Long John's.
BREE: Shush you, go back to sleep.
TERRY: My pleasure. (Resumes snoring)
MALCOLM: Nice....any particular reason?
BREE: Maisy and Ruperts big day is on Saturday.
MALCOLM: They're getting that pet snake they've always wanted!
MALCOLM: Was just trying to crack a joke.
BREE: Malcolm, you have as much chance of cracking a joke as the grumpy git next door has of cracking the jars of vindaloo he leaves on the front window cill for the entire neighbourhood to sniff and pass out from.
MALCOLM: It's not that bad.
BREE: He puts weed in it.
BREE: Didn't you know?
MALCOLM: Apparently not.
BREE: Well, now you know.
ENTERCAROL; Followed closely byNAMDEVa 24 year old taxi driver dressed in a smart overcoat.
CAROL: Do sit down. Bree can you get....
CAROL: ..Of course can you get....Nam...Namd...the nice man a cup of tea please?
NAMDEV: (ToMALCOLM) I really don't understand what the problem is, my name isn't hard to pronounce, Namdev...is it?
MALCOLM: No....Namdev darling, Namdev.
TERRYstarts to wake and chuckles whilst doing so as he has heard the conversation involvingNAMDEV.
BREE: Terry, it’s alright you can go back to sleep.
TERRY: I (pause) feel sick.
BREE: Go to the bathroom then.
TERRYleaps up and exits the room.
TERRY:(Offstage) I know where I'm not wanted! (SFX: Throwing up)
NAMDEV: What was all that about?
BREE: Indigestion, he gets it all the time, nothing to worry about.
NAMDEV: I'm not surprised (ToCAROL) Madam you don't feed your husband enough, he is quite a scrawny fella, it’s your duty as a wife....
CAROL: My husband?
BREE: Yes, we've told her so many times, he needs more food, goes in and comes out so quickly, he barely has time to digest it. Poor guy.
NAMDEV: Your sister is right.
BREE: Sister? I...
CAROL: Why, yes, yes she is right, I'll see to him right now. You coming sis?
MALCOLM: So, Namdev, I believe we haven't been properly introduced.
NAMDEV: Well, I am Namdev.
MALCOLM: Yes, we've done that part. Namdev, what do you do?
NAMDEV: What do you mean?
MALCOLM: What do you do that means you are in acquaintance with Carol?
NAMDEV: Now...Carol; is that the younger sister or the older one?
MALCOLM: Erm.....I forget.
NAMDEV: You mean you don't know your the name of your...hooker?
MALCOLM: Hooker? I beg your pardon!?
NAMDEV: Yes, you pimp right?
MALCOLM: Do you even know Carol?
NAMDEV: Not personally, but tell her we could get to know each other, me and you could have a deal, say five hundred.
MALCOLM: Five hundred!
NAMDEV: You want more?
CAROL: (Carrying a mug of tea, lays it down on the table in front ofNAMDEV) Here you are sir.
NAMDEV: Thank you miss.
CAROL: Please, call me Carol.
NAMDEV: You, are Carol? You are very beautiful. (ToTERRY) Feeling better?
TERRY: Not really.....ooh Pink wafers (attempts to take one)
BREE: Hands off, these are for Namdev!
BREE is carrying a plate of biscuits, she lays it next to the tea.
NAMDEV: (ToBREE) Miss, what is your name?
NAMDEV: Bree, I've never heard that name before, it's very...
BREE: ...unusual. I get told that all the time.
NAMDEV: Unusually beautiful, like French cheese. Yes that's what it sounds like. Are you French Bree?
BREE: No, born and bred English and I think the cheese is spelt B-R-I-E.
NAMDEV: Of course.
NAMDEV: (ToMALCOLM) I'll pay £3000 for the pair of them, or should I say the four of them? 1 hour each.
MALCOLM: I think there has been some mistake.
CAROL: £3000? What's going on? Malcolm.
NAMDEV: Come on man, tell them to get ready, best lingerie. Bree first.
MALCOLM: What's wrong with Carol exactly?
CAROL: What the hell are you both talking about?!
MALCOLM: Sorry, Namdev I am not a pimp and these two ladies are certainly not...
MALCOLM: How on Earth did we give off the impression that this place is a...a...
NAMDEV: Naturally, I assumed with the phallic symbols on the front door, being called out at 7 in the morning on a Sunday, I figured...
MALCOLM: Called out?
NAMDEV: Yes, a very sexy voiced lady called for a taxi to arrive at 7am.
MALCOLM: I didn't need a taxi till 9.
NAMDEV: I was only following orders.
CAROL: What do you mean by phallic symbols...on the front door?
NAMDEV: The door knocker is shaped like a.... (Gestures) ...you didn't notice?
NAMDEV: (ToMALCOLM) Sir if it’s any consolation you seem too nice to be a pimp.
MALCOLM: Thank you Namdev. (Looking at his watch) Now I think I can get to work a little early today. Seeing as your already here Namdev with your taxi waiting outside....it is still outside isn't it?
NAMDEV: So where exactly do you work?
MALCOLM: Ann Summers.
PAUSE,NAMDEVsmiles andshakesMALCOLM's hand.
MALCOLM: I'm going to Oxford Street, how much is the fare?
NAMDEV: You have kept me waiting a long time, tell you what; I'll take £2.50 off for the tea and biscuits.
MALCOLM: (Sarcastically spoken) How very generous.
NAMDEV: By the way there was a very strange smell coming from another house, not far from this one, it was very familiar but I just couldn't put my finger on it.
MALCOLM: On second thoughts, perhaps we should go round the back.
NAMDEV: But my car is parked out front.
MALCOLM: So it is...lead the way..
NAMDEV:(Spoken offstage) Is that Vindaloo I can smell? It is!
A loud crash is heard.
CAROL: (ToBREE) What was that?
BREE: It sounded like next doors cat, probably dived head first into the bin again.
CAROL: I must speak with that man next-door and tell him to snip off that mogs claws, sharp as missiles they were when that cat took a dive for me as I left for my knitting class yesterday.
TERRY: You had a pair of needles with you.
CAROL: I wasn't going to let that cat chew them up; they're the only six millimeter pair I have.
TERRY: Fair enough.
BREE: (ToTERRY) Right, now you're up, how about you get dressed?
TERRY: I have to....clean the car.
BREE: You never offer to do that any other time, something tells me you're bluffing.
TERRY: Look Bree, I'm not really the wedding kind of guy.
BREE: And don't I know it.
TERRY: What's that supposed to mean?
BREE: Take our wedding for instance, first things first you arrive without your cuffs, then you decide to take a detour to the food table for a 'quick' 30 minute feast before turning up at the altar with a mouthful of caviar and chicken.
TERRY: We made it through the day though didn't we? Two and a half years and counting as man and wife.
BREE: We only made it through the day because Sandy gave me the 'you take the good with the bad when you love somebody' speech. (BEAT) Look, if you don't want to come out that's fine by me.....I'm going to the park for a while.
TERRY: Going to join the tiddlers on the slide are you?
BREE: Something like that.
TERRY: You don't want to be wearing those then(Pointing to her kitten heel boots.)
BREE: Yeah whatever.