Messed Up Me

I have PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, for those who don't know what that is. I wouldn't know if I hadn't worked out about 3 years before the doctors that that was what I had. But yeah, it basically means that my hormones are screwed up. I really want to blame them for what has been happening lately, as it really would explain quite a few things, but at the same time it might just be that I am being a whore. Okay, so that probably makes no sense. Rewind and begin again from the start. Lately I want to be with someone else. Don't get me wrong, I still love being with my guy and I sincerely want to remain with my guy, but this past few weeks, every time I see this guy I am really good friends with, I want him to kiss me. There's always been a bit of an attraction between us and lately I want to see what it would be like to be with him and it really doesn't help to know that he thinks I would make a "wicked girlfriend" and that he really likes me. It's so messed up! 

You know how when you're due on, you can get really argumentative? Well, you might not know at all. You might be normal or just not suffer from mood swings as much. Either way, because of my messed up body I basically get PMS for like 2/3 weeks each time my body decides it ought to be doing something, even if it isn't functioning properly. I get so argumentative. Last time this happened I argued with my best friend Tom and I lost him because I couldn't help arguing and saying things that I didn't altogether believe true. On saturday I pushed away another close friend. Anouska brought up the fact that I cheated on my ex-boyfriend when I felt neglected and unloved (another time of PMS and being messed up, though that sounds like an excuse even to my own ears). I argued with her, trying to make her understand how it felt to be totally ignored for weeks on end by someone who ought to be there for you, someone who ought to care, would make even the most saintly person feel tempted to cheat if someone dear to them offered that comfort and feeling of being cared for and desired. Anyway, I argued with her and the final effect? We are no longer talking, she wouldn't even help me put the music away at the end of the rehearsal. Wonderful. I got home, well, back to my nan's afterwards and I snapped and grouched at both nan and Murphy (the dog) because I was still wound up and feeling like total rubbish. Even now I feel like shouting and screaming because mum decided that she wouldn't bother to check that I was going home, instead assuming that because I was slightly late she ought to just bin my dinner and send me snotty texts and grouch at me. End result? I  am once again at nan's. Thanks to her not expecting me, I also missed dinner here and was no longer hungry, so I ended up snacking on cheese and crackers, which is probably going to make me ill again when I only just recovered from being ill over the weekend. What joys there are in my life at present. 

I'm not quite sure what this would come under, but I feel paranoid, and I don't just mean that I occasionally get a feeling of being watched, but I feel like people are talking about me and judging me all the time. I can go into school, be singing in choir, or playing in an orchestra, and I feel as though I must be horribly out of tune or playing terribly or look a mess or something, because I feel as though the people around me are looking at me and judging me. I can't explain it. That really is a terrible explanation, but I feel paranoid. I don't know why.

The End

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