I'm stripping down the mask I've been holding up for the last few years.
This is greatly inspired by Hank Green's (or hankschannel on YouTube) video, 'Terrified'. I greatly recommend watching it, the link is in the guidance.
People say 'Just be yourself' all the time, as a way of living life - be yourself, ignore the 'haters'. While I agree with this and occasionally do it, I don't know how.
How can an individual know who he or she is? My immediate answer to this is that they be honest and don't pretend to be someone you're not. But now, I realise it's a lot deeper than that. I've been trying to find myself for almost 3 years now, with no luck. I know what I like and dislike, yes, but I still don't know what's deeper than that. I keep finding things out about myself, things that I thought I previously knew.
Then there's all the influences we have. Television, music, magazines, culture, society's standards. All these things influence how we live our life - some for the better, for example, music for me, and some for the worse, like the standard of society.
I realised at the end of last year that I have been holding up a mask and hiding myself from some people, only letting it down when my arm gets tired. Okay yes, I've still got the same personality - but my life had become so messed up that I couldn't even tell my best friend, who I've known for 10 years, some things because of three reasons:
1. I'm afraid that if I show my true self, with all the messed up parts, she'll judge me and treat me differently.
2. If I do tell her everything, I'm scared that, not only will she judge me and treat me differently, but she might show those feelings to me, and hey! I've lost a best friend!
3. I care about her. A lot. I don't want her to go through the same things as me, because it's so horrible. I want to protect her from that.
I also think I've been hiding myself because if someone judges me and doesn't like me, they don't like the mask - but they have no opinion on me.
I know that everything I've said is, well, bad, and I know I shouldn't have done it, but I honestly couldn't help it. I'm not going to say why my life was messed up, but I will say that I was crying myself to sleep every night, for a long time. And the only reason I've said that, is because, to be honest, if anyone reads this, I'm expecting hate.
So, that's my mask. Pulled apart by a neuron forest and dissected like Vesalius did it. Then put back on for another day, much more aware of how and why.