Today, I feel the bonds of perfectionism like nothing before. I. just. want. to. go. back. I'm tired of healing, and I'm tired of guiltlessness. I don't like or want this "freedom." But I will keep fighting for it, even though my heart screams otherwise. I can't give up - not yet. Not after fighting for this.
Somewhere deep inside, I really know that You aren't a heavy taskmaster, that You don't rule with an iron fist. You don't because You love me. Your yoke TRULY is easy, and Your burden TRULY is light. I haven't "found it so" yet, as the old hymn goes, but I'm getting there. God, please, help me get there...
I am so snappin' messed up.
I...yeah. Am messed up.
I either must be a COMPLETE perfectionist, or a COMPLETE non-perfectionist. The thought of being somewhere in between is SO distasteful!
I want to be...well, do I want to be FREE, or do I want to be in BONDAGE?
God, help me, I want to be in bondage!
But I can't let myself! I can't let myself go back! No, I WILL NOT GO BACK! I am a creature created for freedom! You had REDEMPTION in mind when You made me! You have BEAUTY in mind when You see my pain! You have HEAVEN in mind when You see my future!
You have YOURSELF in mind when You see me!
I am a creature created for freedom!
I only want to see You. I only want to thank You for salvation, however it happens. I only want to rest in redemption, even though I can't expect to understand it. I only want to know You MORE, even if I can never understand You as much as I'd like. I want to claim freedom, and even though freedom is so mysterious, I see it on the horizon, gesturing for me to come, to taste, to see...