My Beautiful Savior,
Oh, my. I MUST start out by telling You about yesterday.
So, as You can tell by yesterday's journal entries, I didn't want to give up perfectionism. I was willing to sell my soul to to it. And if I'm completely honest with You, I'll tell You that I just want to be perfect. But now, I'm getting ahead of myself! Back to yesterday.
So yesterday, I sat down in the office, as unwilling to change as I could possible be. Perfection was - and still wants to be! - all I desired. It was like...ah, I don't know HOW to describe how much I didn't want to change. I'm not sure if I told him outrightly or not, but I sort of think he (the therapist) could probably tell.
I didn't want to cry, so I didn't let myself cry. But there were times when he started tearing up, and when people who I would not have thought would ever cry start tearing up, I am a lost cause. I almost cried, which caused me to realize...I don't really want this. I DON'T REALLY WANT THIS. Yes, I want to be perfect, but look at ALL the complications that go along with it.
So, I have decided something, a decision I never thought I'd EVER make.
God, I'm giving up my chase for flawlessness.
I cannot believe I just wrote that, let alone that I actually MEAN it!