05-02-2012

05-02-2012

Jesus,

I'm trying, really TRYING, to believe the kind things others say about me. Like I'm strong, or that I have a beautiful heart.

I always question people's hearts whenever they say nice things about me. I tell myself, "She's just saying that because she feels obligated to," or "She's saying that because she's my friend and doesn't want to hurt me with the truth."

But...I've been trying to take people at their words. Really TRYING. I feel SO immensely guilty about it, and it's the LAST thing I want to do, but I HAVE to get out of this.

No! No! I don't want to believe the Truth! I don't want to be different!

I don't want to be free!

Bondage is safe!

I LOVE my chains. I protect them with my SOUL. There is absolutely NOTHING more beautiful to me than perfection. There is nothing so precious as chasing it. I place more value on flawlessness than I've ever placed on anything else. I don't just do it for You; I do it for myself. I am a prisoner - A SLAVE - but there is no master I'd rather serve.

They'll be so pleased when I stop being selfish and become perfect. They might not understand me now, but they'll someday appreciate why I do this.

Once I am perfect, I will be TOTALLY self-sufficient. And I won't need anyone! And no more emotions. Those simply CANNOT BE.

Funny how I'm not believing a word of this... 

The End

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