I cannot bear this pressure I place upon myself to be perfect. Even forgetting to pray before a meal brings me self-condemnation. I was hoping that someday, I'd be able to cope with damnation, that someday, I would be so used to condemnation that it wouldn't bother me anymore. I'd resigned myself to believing that life was simply about survival.
Yesterday, I was voicing my thoughts aloud. I was reciting my thoughts, just to clear my head. I did this alone, of course. And this is what I ended with:
"I want to be perfect. It's tiring and brutal, trying and futile, but it's the only thing I know anymore - the only thing I'd die for. It's killing me and it's killing my relationship with You. But I don't care. I DON'T CARE. I will NEVER be perfect. I know I will ALWAYS have flaws. I know this is futile. BUT I WILL DIE TRYING."
God, I'm trapped. I have built my walls too well, and I've set my standard too high. But I cannot give up my perfectionism - academic perfection, relationship perfection, and ESPECIALLY spiritual perfection - because the thought of allowing myself to be imperfect TERRIFIES ME.
PERFECTION. IS. EVERYTHING.