I saw my mom cry to her friends about Idina's eating disorder and such. She was crying really hard, and I was just...helpless. It was awful, watching her cry and not being able to do ANYTHING to help her.
But then, I felt myself retreating back into my walls - the ones I've built to keep out emotions, especially pain. One moment, I'd been INSANELY jealous that Mom had someone to talk to about Idina and other life hardships, and the next, I was emotionless. Feelingless.
Normally, my logic would've been "It's better to feel nothing than to feel pain," but not recently. No, recently, I was SO overjoyed at really FEELING EMOTIONS again, and when I involuntarily got rid of them AGAIN, I couldn't believe it. All my progress, GONE. All for naught.
The fleshly part of me was ecstatic, as - for some reason - I equate emotionlessness with strength. But the wiser part of me - the spiritual part that You've taught and continue to teach wisdom - realized how spiritually FATAL the transformation was.
Because, ever since...I haven't felt You. Or a desire for You.
And God, that's fatal.
It's truly fatal.