Owner of the Universe,

Lord, please, redeem my life from destruction! Please, Lord, don't let my own mind destroy my faith! I know I've got to be believing a lie, because the God I KNOW would NEVER want me to constantly doubt my salvation and earn Your Grace. You don't want me to live in misery! So why, then, do I feel as though forcing myself to be miserable and feel guilty will earn favor in Your sight?

Lord, I just want to fall back into Your Arms...

My pathetic spiritual perfectionism is killing me. Maybe not physically, but it's killing me spiritually and mentally...It's, like, all I can think about or feel anymore. And it's the worst pain ever - or lack thereof.

Because sometimes, I just feel numb. I've trained myself so well against being weak that I can't even feel the hurt sometimes. And I've found myself incapable of explaining my hurt, my feelings. More and more often, I find myself unable to identify my emotions. I've trained myself well...too well.

And then, when I do break through the numbness, the separation is too much to bear. When I confront the chink in my armor, the misery is overwhelming. My self-condemnation clouds my mind.

Lord, please, free me from the bondage of spiritual perfectionism! From spiritual OCD! From...scrupulosity.

From the lie that I'll never be good enough, so why even try...

The End

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