10-15-11

10-15-11

Source of Life,

Scrupulosity.

I think I have several scrupulosity-like behaviors, if not scrupulosity itself (though I'm not sure).

Like how I feel like I'm not good enough for You, even when my life honors You greatly. Or how when I'm anxious, I think You'll give me the stomach flu, unless I repeat the same prayer, word-for-word, numerous times. Or how I've almost CONSTANTLY worried that I've somehow, subconsciously and accidentally, sold my soul to the devil, during certain times of my life. Or how I tell myself that if I don't do x (i.e. listen to a song on my iPod a certain number of times, take a certain amount of steps in a given place, or swallow the same way several times in a row) I'll be somehow dishonoring You.

The past few weeks (thanks to You!), I've been doing really well with laying to rest the said OCD habits, but I'd be lying if I said that they still don't have an effect on my life - the strength varying with anxiety levels, the amount of time I've spent with You, and other such things. Every day, I tell myself THE TRUTH and confront the lies for what they are: packages of nonsense, sent from myself and from the evil force. Whenever I find myself falling into the scrupulosity trap, I say, "I [adverb, sometimes] refuse!" It makes a WORLD of difference.

And I think the will of my Christian nature is getting stronger, too. Because of You, Your Grace, and Your Faithfulness, I am fighting this war without anyone's help (or even knowledge) - except You, of course. :)

I LOVE YOU!!! ♥ ♥

The End

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