10-07-2011

10-07-2011

Aaah, I hate this world. I hate being stuck in [the tiny town where I live]. I hate people trying to fix my problems. I hate stupid friends rejecting me. I hate the legalism of this dumb church. I hate my own vanity. I hate doing the same boring life OVER AND OVER again. I hate not being noticed by guys. I hate having crushes. I hate [three particular friends] for making me feel stupid and unwanted. I hate school. I hate being treated like I'm inconsequential to this world. I hate our play. I hate this unsurety of salvation. I hate having to eat too much because Mom and Dad are afraid I'll turn anorexic like Idina. I hate Idina's eating disorder. I hate my oldest sister's rebellion. I hate Mom's and Dad's assumption that I'm ALWAYS in the wrong. I hate myself for ALWAYS going through spiritual lows.

I think I might even hate myself. I wish I wasn't so stupid for ALWAYS slipping into lukewarmness. Why do I have to go through the SAME cursed struggles - and why do I almost ALWAYS give in? Why can't I just love You like I should, instead of ignoring You? I hate myself, God. I'm such an idiot - such a waste of Grace.

I was doing SO WELL with prioritizing You! I was doing SO WELL with spending time with You! I was SO CLOSE to You! What happened?!?!?!

Oh, yes.

I happened.

And I think it all boils down to this:

I don't WANT to stop being lukewarm. My MIND wants to, but my heart keeps CHASING AFTER OTHER THINGS.

Which makes me wonder...

Am I really saved?

Do I really know You?

I knew You, God. I KNOW I knew You. I KNOW I knew You! I KNOW I USED TO KNOW YOU!

Did I lose my salvation? Did I go too far? Have you given up on me?

I wish I'd never been born. I wish I'd never existed. At least then, I wouldn't go to hell.

Oh, Jesus. My heart is condemning me like crazy. My heart tells me I'm headed for hell. My heart tells me I've done this too many times to be forgiven.

Lord, what can I do to earn Your favor? What can I do to save myself? Oh, Savior, show me how to be saved.

I've prayed this repentant prayer countless times. I've "turned back to You" more times than I can count. I'm so sick of my damn stupidity. I'm so ready to be saved and die.

The End

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